Why Martha? Why?

Look, I’m not a Martha Stewart hater. Well, not a super vigilant one anyway. I will admit I have questioned her “fashion” choices, with good reason. But when I came across this magazine cover, well, it took my breath away. And made me nauseous. And made me once again question Martha’s judgment.

I mean, seriously? The woman is delusional. First of all, she has been airbrushed to within an inch of her life, or at a bare minimum has been drinking shots of formaldehyde (kids, don’t try this at home). Second, no one over the age of, say, 10 should ever be dressed this adorably. Ever. Third…WTF? Is she supposed to be an Ice Queen? Maybe she was going for tongue-in-cheek but it feels to me more like indigestion-in-esophagus.

Maybe she’s been sniffing hot glue in her garage. I don’t know. But this is the problem with people important enough to own a magazine bearing their name; no judgment whatsoever. Someone at this photo shoot really needed to put an end to it. And if not at the photo shoot, at least editorial should have nixed it. I understand these people work for the woman, but someone needed to tell the Empress there was a problem with her new clothes. It’s worth the risk of getting fired if, and only if, you care whether or not she makes a fool of herself. So my only conclusion is that when Martha left the meeting to go check on her pot roast, the rest of the staff giggled and watched the whole thing go off the rails. Possibly went out for drinks afterwards to relish the moment.

So I need a solemn promise from my family, friends, readers and potential future lackeys; when I achieve Global Domination, and start my own magazine, It’s A Jill World After All, I am counting on you to hold me somewhere between being an egomaniac and looking ridiculous. Despite my baser instincts. I’m counting on all of you; stop the presses.