I don’t know when it happened. Had it always been like this and I just blocked it out? Did it happen after she went to prison? Did someone put trick mirrors in her house? Martha Stewart has assaulted fashion so violently that I fear the Fashion Police have a warrant out for her arrest. She may be facing another prison sentence.
I was watching my favorite Bravo host, Andy Cohen, and Martha was his guest for the evening. It may have been a great show, but I can’t tell you because I was gagging and in shock over Martha’s “outfit.” There is no English word to describe it; in Yiddish the closest I can get is schmata.
Where do I start? The color can only be described as dishwater. The fit? For all I know a family of 5 is living under that dress-tent. And then I noticed the shoulders. Martha seems to have taken her cue from Carol Burnett in her famous Gone With The Wind spoof where she rips down the drapes, rod and all, and drops them over her shoulders. Maybe she is actually wearing something from her line of bed linens? This is the schmata of all schmatas.
I wondered-was Martha’s eyesight failing or was this just a serious misstep in the midst of normally acceptable fashion? Neither. Based on my extensive research of Bing images, Martha is permanently fashion impaired. I warn you these images may be disturbing.
I don’t claim to be a fashion maven, but I can assure you that you won’t find gold lamé capris in my closet. So Martha can build a mini-van out of construction paper and hot glue, can sculpt her dogs into topiary, can harvest her own wheat to make her own flour to bake a delightful holiday cake and then milk a cow to make the buttercream frosting, but…she can’t schlep over to Macy’s and buy a decent ensemble? All those jokes about how she looked in an orange prison uniform—go figure they were her nicest clothes!
Sadly, the nightmare doesn’t end in her closet. She insists on humiliating her dogs too.
She may be Martha Stewart, but she’s far from perfect. It’s time for a fashion intervention.