There’s a fine line between imitation, inspiration, impression and plagiarism, right? Nah, I’m kidding, there really isn’t. Plagiarism is straight up stealing someone else’s work and claiming it as your own. If, for example, I am preparing to do my world famous, hilarious Mike Tyson impression, I will say “Hey look at me I’m about to do my world famous, hilarious Mike Tyson impression!” If I didn’t say that, and just started doing the impression, it would seem very weird. Truth be told, it’s very weird either way, but if I say I’m doing the impression everyone will pretend it’s funny so I will maybe stop doing it for the moment and they can go on with their lives. The point is, I will not try to play it off as if I’ve said all the dumb sh*t Mike Tyson says. Because that would not only be plagiarism it would be absolutely confounding.
Yikes, another tangent. What else is new? What I’m trying to say is that Melania Trump and/or her little speech writing elves clearly plagiarized Michelle Obama’s speech from 2008.
So as a public service, I am offering, free of charge, a new speech for Melania. One composed from what I imagine might be her heart and soul, if in fact she possesses either or both of those things. So Melania, this is for you:
My Donald once said to me: “Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.” He was so smart to think of such a great quote, yes?* And then some more scores ago he began to talk about how to get back to this concept and make America great again: a great white, Christian, heterosexual patriarchy. Just the way we liked it.
When I married my husband, I was mostly in it for the money and also to produce a child who would inherit a fortune. And my husband was in it so he could have a young, beautiful wife and pretend he is also young and beautiful. And so for many years now I have let this man sleep in my bed. And do stuff other than sleeping. Things I only want to do with my boyfriend, not with Captain Cheeto (that is my pet name for My Donald).
So I can tell you many things about this man. First, he wants everyone to know that he most definitely does not have small hands or a small anything. No. Everything is huuuuuuge (wink wink). You can’t imagine how wide my eyes got the first time I saw all of My Donald in his natural glory. I was shocked, to say the least. Second, he is very flexible. He is absolutely sincere about everything he says at the exact moment he says it. And if he contradicts himself in the next breath, he is absolutely sincere in his new statement.
My Donald will win this election because he is so much better than all those establishment Washington people. He has all the makings of someone who should lead our country. He doesn’t know anything at all about the Constitution or three branches of government. Is completely ignorant of both domestic and foreign policies. He couldn’t find China on a map. And he surrounds himself with beautiful, subservient women and a bunch of white men in suits who tell him he is wonderful. He is good with the money though. As soon as he is in the White House he will call his lawyer and file bankruptcy on behalf of the country, and poof! All debt will be forgiven. My Donald tells me this is how to succeed in business.
I love my adopted country, America. A land of opportunity for beautiful foreign models who marry rich older men. And I am talking about the True America that My Donald has pandered to. The America that is proudly uneducated. Staunchly science-denying. Frightened and threatened by people who do not look like us, talk like us, or have the exact same beliefs as we do. Also the America who thinks it would be very nice to have a First Lady who is simple arm candy and doesn’t worry her pretty little head with politics and men’s business. [Bat eyelashes and smile directly to camera].
Please please put My Donald in the White House. It is possible that he will be very good for this country! More importantly, My Donald will be busy so I will have more time to run around with my young handsome boyfriend. In conclusion, please rest assured that I wrote this entire speech all on my own, and did not show it to anyone before presenting it to you tonight.
*Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg Address. Duuuuh.
So WTF Melania? Sometimes we all forget the rest of that famous quote…