WTF Wednesday: Why Did Kate Hijack My Life?

Look, I understand about coincidences. Common interests. I’ve even accused someone of stealing my life before. But that was the life I was going to live, if all had gone well. Not the one I’m actually living.

But Kate over at Views and Mews by Coffee Kat has seriously hijacked my real life. And frankly, I don’t know why she would want it. But OK. Let’s just review all we allegedly have in common, or at least what she claims:

  • Irreverent, funny blogs. Annoying as hell because hers is frequently funnier than mine. Annoying. As. Hell.
  • Youngest of three children, only girl
  • Breast cancer survivor
  • Childfree
  • Lost our dads when we were little
  • Husbands are named Dan
  • More than mildly obsessed with cats (I mean, her blog is edited by her opinionated cats)
  • Her cats are having dental problems suspiciously close to when my cat had dental problems
  • Kate claims she once had red hair (but guys, I have always had red hair)
  • Kate is addicted to Starbucks mocha lattes; I too have indulged in Starbucks mocha lattes
  • Eerily similar careers where we were one of a few intelligent life forms asked to manage a sea of incompetence and bad attitudes

eval

That’s a lot, right? Now Kate would also have you believe we have lots of differences too. She would point out her love of summer, including gardening, and fish and frog mating rituals, which are seriously not my thing. Honestly she seems just a tad too interested in the mating rituals of aquatic life, but I don’t like to judge.

frog_cartoon_image_4999

She goes to a gym or something. Like every day. She is not helplessly addicted to sweets (but seriously, don’t mess with her mocha lattes).

Still. I think that’s all just a ruse. I think she rustled up a few obvious contrasts just to make it seem like she didn’t hijack my life. But this isn’t my first rodeo people. OK, actually, I’ve never been to a rodeo because, hello, I’m me, but what do you want to bet Kate either has or hasn’t been to a rodeo? If she has, it’s because she’s trying to make herself seem different. If she hasn’t, it’s because she hijacked my life. Either way, it’s very telling indeed.

So WTF Kate?

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WWJGD: What Would Jane Goodall Do?

I know, everyone has an opinion on the child-falling-into-gorilla-pen drama, but of course mine is the most important, and hopefully, the most entertaining.

First of all, gorillas on display in a pen at a zoo. Not good. Not good for 1000 reasons, including preventing the scenario that just happened. Also, gorillas eat too much of that zoo junk food and their waistline goes all to hell. So let’s protect gorillas but not put them on display like some kind of animal. I have former bosses and distant relatives who would be more deserving of that treatment, and certainly more entertaining. Throw a conference table and white board in there, and trust me, antics will ensue.

conference

Second, all we’ve really heard is the kid’s side of the story. From the gorilla perspective, totally different angle. Say you’re sitting in your living room, minding your own business, and suddenly a baby gorilla falls down next to you from nowhere.

babygorilla

Reaction? Probably not, “hey, let me get you a beer.” But you probably wouldn’t intentionally hurt it either, unless there were a whole bunch of people screaming and freaking you out and making you feel like you should do something drastic. Like give it a lite beer. Not cool dude.

beer

Third, we know lots about the gorilla, but little about the child other than it is a small human we feel biologically compelled to protect. But I’ve met lots of toddlers who frankly, didn’t measure up compared to a gorilla. Maybe this kid is one of those screaming, bratty, nuisance children. It would be good to take time to assess that before choosing sides. Can we really weigh the value of a human toddler against the value of another primate? I, for one, am not comfortable that the outcome is a foregone conclusion.

toddler

Finally, my most obvious point. Gorilla day care. A pen inside a pen, wherein small humans could do whatever the hell they do all day, gorillas could get acclimated to loud, smelly little humans, and working parents could leave for the day knowing their child would be well cared for, and possibly fed whatever gorillas and/or small humans eat. Something tells me we’re going to need lots of those little boxes of animal crackers.

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WTF Wednesday: Are They Really All Conspiring Against You?

I have been on social media a lot lately, and obviously politics is a hot topic. I try to stay above most of the fray while of course promoting Hillary Rodham Clinton, the woman who will be the next President of the United States. [No comments trollers; you can’t change my mind and I can’t change yours].

I get that people have different political opinions, because they haven’t yet figured out that mine is correct. What I really, really can’t understand, are the conspiracy theories. And boy are they out there. Not just current politics, but all kinds of other crap beyond the usual JFK assassination and the government hiding space aliens. Some of them are not just idiotic but dangerous; I have read a number of accusations that climate change is “the biggest hoax ever.”

My question is, where do those who conspire against us find hundreds of people who will both play along, and take the secret to their grave? I mean, hundreds of people is what it would take to pull off most of this stuff. And let’s say you could somehow motivate these people to go along with you, are they really going to continue to keep it a secret when they could sell the story for millions of dollars?

To continue to follow this new form of “logic”, these conspiracy theorists not only believe that all the people involved will be compliant, but also believe a dozen different, independent sources that debunk their crap are all part of the conspiracy. So basically, all the national media and Politifact and Snopes and other sources are all part of a grand conspiracy. That not a single investigative journalist would break from the pack and get the story of a lifetime. A couple of bumbling idiots broke into a DNC office 45 years ago and a handful of super loyal people covered up the direct connection with the White House; even they pretty much immediately had a leak. What would have persuaded Woodward and Bernstein to look the other way on that story?

The theorists theorize that people are being threatened with something if they don’t go with the program. And that the conspirators are so powerful, and so good at what they do, that no one will break the code. Yep. Sure.

Paul is very much alive. Still.

Paul is very much alive. Still.

Elvis is very much dead. Still.

Elvis is very much dead. Still.

So my question today is: WTF are these people smoking? I mean, we’re not talking about random individuals wearing tin foil hats, we’re talking about otherwise (seemingly) intelligent, (seemingly) normal people.

Anyone who has ever shared a secret with more than two people knows that typically no one can keep the smallest secret. I mean, not for long. More than a handful of people, and you can count on a leak. Intentions are usually good, but not always; either way, gums are flapping. We are social animals. We like to share stuff. Except toothbrushes. No one wants to share a toothbrush. Also, I want to note that I am never, ever the one who spills the beans. Because I am morally superior. At a bare minimum if I do blab, I at least let the other person know right away. Because it makes me them feel better.

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Let’s Not Call It A Bucket List

You should check out my fellow blogger over at Retirementally Challenged, who recently blogged a sort of bucket/life inventory list along with her answers. I don’t like the whole bucket list thing because I don’t like the bucket. I mean, I know it’s going to happen one day but no reason to dwell. Still, I figured my readers must also be desperately curious to hear more about my life. Because you know, there’s always so much more to tell about the endlessly interesting topic of me. So, to satisfy your curiosity; if you’ve wondered if I’ve ever…
Gone on a blind date? If I did I don’t remember, which could very well be a reflection on the date
Skipped school? Obviously, as is detailed in my Permanent Record
Visited Canada? A few times until they were all “you can’t do that in our country” and “you’re now on our Do Not Admit list” A couple practical jokes with a moose and everyone is freaking out
Visited Hawaii? Twice, and for some reason ate lunch at a Chuck E. Cheese in Oahu, which is far more interesting, yes? Encourage me just a little and I’ll tell you the whole story

Yep. Andre and I had just been snorkeling and somehow ended up having lunch at Chuck E. Cheese. Long story.

Yep. Andre and I had just been snorkeling and somehow ended up having lunch at Chuck E. Cheese. Long story.

Visited Cuba? I’ve been to the southern tip of Florida and could see Cuba from someone’s yard; close enough
Visited Europe? Yes, although sometimes under an assumed name. See Canada above.
Visited South America? No but I’m thinking it might be a good place for safe harbor…you know, if I ever need something like that
Visited Las Vegas? A few times, mostly for the rides and huge M&M store. Do people go for other reasons?
Visited Central America? My emergency back-up safe harbor if South America doesn’t work out for me
Visited Asia? My 2nd emergency back-up safe harbor, in the event neither South America nor Central America are willing or able to serve
Visited Africa? Technically, yes, went to Morocco, but I did not care for the boat ride through the Strait of Gibraltar. Rough sailing. Also, there was a giant rock in the water, which seemed dangerous.
Visited Florida? As stated above, I’ve been to Southern Florida/Cuba
Visited Mexico? Not physically, but I am very, very familiar with some of their plant life
Seen the Grand Canyon in person? Kind of. Flew down into it in a helicopter. Not only was it way cool, it had the added benefit of scaring the sh*t out of my mom
Flown in a helicopter? Pay attention! Grand Canyon
Served on a jury? Yes, on the most boring kind of trial; a medical malpractice case. I was elected foreman. Yes, truly, and when we had one stubborn hold-out I negotiated us out of the damn jury room and into a verdict. And when I did, one gentleman on the jury gave me a great big kiss on my forehead and said I was the best foreman ever. So there.

ScalesofJustice
Been lost? Is this a trick question? Do you want to know on an hourly basis, daily, weekly? Lifetime achievement award?
Traveled to the opposite side of the country? Any number of times, typically on an overcrowded flight sitting next to a screaming baby. And one really memorable red-eye with an entire plane full of adolescents returning from a field trip. I think I blogged about it…search for “dead teenagers” or “I was acquitted”
Shot a gun? Does a staple gun count? I mean I was very aggressively stapling
Swam in the ocean? Many times, including the incident in Hawaii when I was on a dolphin expedition and slid out of the dinghy somewhere I wasn’t supposed to and started snorkeling around. Apparently I’m not good with “listening ears” and “following explicit instructions” but it’s hard to hear stuff when you’re swimming around with your head in the water

So note that after my unfortunate miscue I was required to stay in the center of the boat.

So note that after my unfortunate miscue I was required to stay in the center of the boat. Mahalo

Cried yourself to sleep? Sure, typically after a three part Real Housewives Reunion
Played cops and robbers? Pretend, or real life?
Sang karaoke? OK, this is really dependent on your definition of “singing” Let’s just say I caterwauled
Paid for a meal with coins only? See this is a silly question. Now, ask me if I ever pulled the old dine and dash in high school, and I would have to say…I can’t discuss it
Made prank phone calls? Many, many times since I had a childhood that wasn’t fraught with things like caller ID and *69. The struggle is real.
Laughed until some beverage came out of your nose? You’re kidding right? Do you want me to list the beverages alphabetically or try to recall chronological order?
Had a kid? Anyone out there who thinks it would have been a good idea for me to reproduce? Hello? Anyone?
Had a pet? Well duh, if for no other reason than to give them funny names.
Been skinny-dipping? This is another trick question. Have I swum nude? Quite possibly. Was I skinny? Umm, doubtful
Been fishing? Ewwwww
Been downhill skiing? Oh yes. More than 10 years ago and the ski instructor is still in therapy

Yep, I lived through a chair lift excursion and got down the mountain on skis. Twice.

Yep, I lived through a chair lift excursion and got down the mountain on skis. Twice.

Been water skiing? Let’s just say that skis were strapped to my feet and the boat took off. What happened after that is the subject of quite some controversy. And a lawsuit.
Been camping in a trailer/RV? When I first met Dan and was trying to convince him we were compatible I went camping with him in his van. Neither of us cares to discuss it at this time.
Been camping in a tent? What do you think?
Been bungee-jumping? Not yet, but many people have really encouraged me to do this, and assured me they would double check the bungee cord.
Gone to a drive-in movie? When I was a little kid I got to go in my pajamas. Yes, of course I was adorable. Duh.
Done something that could have killed you? No doubt, but nothing I can discuss on a blog that my mom reads.
Done something that you will regret for the rest of your life? Yes. The time I skipped a really good dessert when “dieting”
Rode a camel? I was just about to, but it didn’t like the looks of me and ran away
Eaten just cookies or cake or ice cream for dinner? 2-3 nights a week, fairly consistently
Been on TV? No, but not for lack of trying! I’m still up for that if anyone has the inclination
Stolen any traffic signs? I will let you know once I look up the statute of limitations on that kind of thing
Been in the hospital in past 24 months? If you don’t know the answer to this, you’ve clearly not been paying attention
Driven a manual transmission vehicle? Yes, after three different people tried to teach me, one finally got through. It was not pretty.
Been divorced? No, but Dan does introduce me as his “first wife”
Written a popular blog? No, but I persist anyway. I’m not a quitter

OK, I’ve done my part. Who’s next?

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Easing Into A Cabinet Position And Remodeling Mt. Rushmore

I was in a McDonald’s recently which is very unusual, because I definitely don’t eat anything they sell. But it was convenient and I needed to kill some time, so I nursed an iced coffee for a bit. The real treat turned out to be two men at a nearby table. They seemed interesting so I put on my eavesdropping ears and tuned right in to their conversation.

The first topic was, what else, Trump v. Clinton. I was relieved to learn they are in Clinton’s corner. Then they started in on cabinet appointments. I don’t know if this is a uniquely Washington kind of conversation or if those outside the beltway analyze this stuff, but it’s fairly common here among a certain crowd. These guys did not seem typical for that crowd, but you never know.

Anyway, they started debating the best cabinet appointment; what they would want if they were up for that kind of thing. Again, not unusual, except for the criteria. They were basing their decisions on which appointments would be the coolest but still require the least amount of work. Huh? That is definitely not a DC attitude. We are obsessed with working, love it, give me more, please pretty please. And a lot of people particularly relish the prestige of a high end presidential appointment. So, huh?

They started with Attorney General, even while they speculated that you might have to be an attorney for that one, and apparently neither of them meet that particular criterion. But either way, too hard! Too much controversy, too much press to deal with, just too much work. Secretary of Defense? No way. No way in hell. Obviously lots of work, long hours, making big decisions that would require a lot of briefing. So, no.

Then there are just obvious choices to avoid: Energy, Housing, Homeland Security, VA. Transportation is probably risky too because things are kind of a mess. Labor, Education? Interesting choices but again, too much work. Lots of regulations and things to keep up with, and who has time for all that? They decide that Treasury would definitely be too hard, and run through a few other possibilities, which they rule out for one reason or another.

Hey, what about Secretary of State? That’s a good one. You get to travel a lot, meet interesting people, see the world for free! But, cautioned the other one, you have to travel. All the time. Frequently to places you really would prefer not to see or experience. So it’s not as good as it seems on the surface.

Wait a minute…got it! Secretary of the Interior! A stroke of brilliance. The only responsibility is national parks or something. Yes! The other guy speculated that under his watchful eye maybe they would add someone to Mt. Rushmore or something like that. You know, leave their mark. Fishing and hiking would basically be part of their job. Every day would be a vacation!

seal

I breathed a sigh of relief that they had settled on something because my coffee was empty and I was down to just ice chips. That’s why when they started in on whether they would add FDR or JFK to Mt. Rushmore, I had to let it go. I’m sure the legacy Presidents would be OK with it though.

Mount-Rushmore-Presidents-Wearing-Sunglasses--73269

But now I’ve found a flaw in their plan. According to the reputable website www.dummies.com which as you can imagine I refer to quite a bit, the Secretary of the Interior is a mere seven heartbeats away from having to assume the presidency. It could happen you know, a bad case of a highly contagious flu or whatever? And then they’d be stuck holding the bag. And I feel pretty sure that being the president is hard work.

What is the order of presidential succession?

The Cabinet is crucial to the presidential line of succession that determines the order in which officials succeed to the presidency following the death or resignation of the President. The Vice President tops the order, followed by the Speaker of the House, then the President pro tempore of the Senate. The Cabinet officers succeed to the presidency in the following order:

  • Secretary of State, Department of State
  • Secretary of the Treasury, Department of the Treasury
  • Secretary of Defense, Department of Defense
  • Attorney General, Department of Justice
  • Secretary of the Interior, Department of the Interior
  • Secretary of Agriculture, Department of Agriculture
  • Secretary of Commerce, Department of Commerce
  • Secretary of Labor, Department of Labor
  • Secretary of Health & Human Services, Department of Health and Human Services
  • Secretary of Housing & Development, Department of Housing and Urban Development
  • Secretary of Transportation, Department of Transportation
  • Secretary of Energy, Department of Energy
  • Secretary of Education, Department of Education
  • Secretary of Veterans Affairs, Department of Veterans Affairs
  • Secretary of Homeland Security, Department of Homeland Security
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WTF Wednesday: Who Says A Girl Can’t Be President?

I was nine years old when Nixon resigned. I remember my parents plopping me down in front of the TV and telling me I was seeing history. Which I really didn’t understand; I was a kid and just wanted to go outside and play, but I went along with it because it seemed super important to them. Plus my mom gave me that look. You know the one.

Since then I’ve witnessed a lot of history, good and bad. Like the summer I got down to my goal weight. For, like, two entire weeks or something. Momentous stuff like that.

I hope that little girls (and boys!) everywhere were made to sit down in front of the TV last night and listen to Hillary Clinton’s speech. The truth of the matter is, even now, in 2016, most little kids don’t think a girl can be President. Because all they ever study are all the men, white men until 2008, who have occupied that position. So it looks pretty stacked in their favor and everything.

hill

I’m not sure the notion ever crossed my mind when I was a little girl because for all I knew it was unconstitutional or something. I mean, that’s how far out of the realm of possibilities it seemed. I remember my freshman year of college when I was really properly introduced to the concept of feminism. I’m not sure why, but somewhere along the way “feminist” became a bad word. Something even women didn’t always cop to, let alone men. I never stopped copping to it. Ever. I mean, really, incessantly feminist. As just one small example, call me MRS. sometime and hear my 12 minute rant on how I don’t need an R in my title to indicate I am legitimate and owned by a man. Small example; I could give you many more but then you might stop reading and it would hurt my delicate little feelings.

As a side note, if you just crawled out of a cave and send out cover letters addressed to Dear Sirs, rest assured that at least 50% of the time someone who makes 70% of what a Sir makes for doing the same job is pretty quickly tossing your dumbass “credentials” in to the trash. But I digress.

Last night was a major moment in our country’s history. And not just because Chris Matthews nearly passed out from excitement. But as long as we’re on the topic, he pretty much nearly did. And how much do we love Rachel Maddow and James Carville? A lot. But I think I just digressed again.

Here’s what I know: Bitches get shit done. They just do.

bitch1bitch2bitch3 bitch4 bitch5

Madame President will be bringing our country together rather than tearing it apart. So get on board folks. And as Dan pointed out the other night, she will be making the same salary as any man would in that job. I’m pretty sure it’s too late to go back and decide that she will be subject to a “uterine discount” of 30%. It’s too late for that, right?

P.S. Trollers and Haters: I get it. You have a different opinion. This is my blog. You can disagree with me. I guess. If you must. But let’s all be civil, while keeping in mind that I am 100% correct. And take two minutes to watch this video and absorb this moment in history. Because, WTF, we’ve got this.

 

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Not Appearing On The Small Screen: The Jetsons

I went to Olive Garden recently. I know, I know, I probably shouldn’t admit that but I did. I had an insurmountable breadstick craving. Don’t judge; people in glass chain restaurants shouldn’t throw stones.

Being an astute observer, I noticed right away that they have those new little tablets at every table. You know, you can use it to order your food, summon your server, pay your check, keep your kid/spouse occupied with games, and of course, shop. It has a built-in camera and wi-fi connection to social media, so that none of your family or friends miss even a single moment of the excitement that is your life, as seen through an Olive Garden lens.

Yes, more screen time. On the off chance that you and your dinner companions might actually engage in real human interaction, instead of just staring at your phone and posting pics of the person sitting across the table from you; we have now created another distraction. Oh goody. Because if there’s one thing we don’t do, it’s spend enough time staring at a little screen.

When I go to a restaurant (or, you know, Olive Garden) one of the perks is that I get served. By a server. A human server who writes down my order so I don’t have to, and hopefully notices when my water glass is empty and refills it without being asked. A human server might answer the question “I can’t decide between the fish and the pasta, which do you recommend?” That kind of thing. A tablet doesn’t do that.

Most importantly, jobs. Servers are (typically) actual humans, with actual bills to pay, and as noted above, actual non-artificial intelligence (in most cases) that add value to the transaction. I love a story that my sister-in-law Lisa tells about her dad. When self-serve gas stations were taking over, her dad went out of his way to go to full service and pay the premium, despite the fact that he was strapped for cash himself. He did it in the hopes of saving attendants’ jobs. I thought of him when I told the hostess I preferred a human server. I turned the screen around backwards so it wouldn’t beckon me, but kept an eye on it because they can be sneaky.

For my generation, this was supposed to be the post-space-age; The Jetsons Age. What would be much more helpful than a smart screen at a restaurant? Oh, I don’t know, flying cars that fold up into briefcases?  What we ended up with are little screens that own us 24/7. I thought by now my life would look like this:

But instead it looks like this:

kids-on-phones

And now we’ve put yet another device into play. With a tablet on the table and smart phone in hand, we can multi-task even more, as we’ve all been taught to do, judging by the number of drivers who text, yell at their kid, put on their make-up, and sip their latte while allegedly operating their vehicle. [That is a side rant that I think I already covered in another post, although it does bear repeating.]

According to a number of super reliable interweb sources, the tablets are solid revenue producers for restaurants. In general, people order more when it is just a fingertip away. People order dessert more when they’ve seen a picture of it flash by, and don’t have to make eye contact with the server when they order the triple double triple deadly chocolate thing.

More revenue is good, and I get it from the business angle; sometimes I even prefer the convenience of it. But for the fact that we are losing human contact all around. And don’t get me wrong; I don’t particularly care for most people. I think animals are far superior. Still, we are social beings and need to draw the line somewhere, right?

Alas our future didn’t end up looking quite the way it did on The Jetsons. I could use that flying car right about now. But barring that, can I at least have a no-maintenance robot dog? One that would bring me unlimited breadsticks and salad, and really mediocre meals? We miss you Astro. I mean, we riss rou Rastro.

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WTF Wednesday: Why Would Nabisco Ruin Oreos?

If there is one thing that can bring us all together this volatile election season, it is quite simply, Oreos. Classic, delicious Oreos. No, they’re not good for us, and no, we probably shouldn’t eat them too often. But I don’t think anyone can deny liking Oreos. Right?

What I firmly believed before today is that although Nabisco has flirted with changes in the past, it never got too out of hand. Just a variation on a theme. Double Stuff, Thins (shouldn’t they be called Half Stuff?), Mint, Red Velvet, holiday editions, whatever. But no matter what, I had faith that Oreos have always had some form of chocolate. It is my right as an American to demand no less than that. It’s the 32nd Amendment folks, look it up.

Somehow, in an affront to my senses not just as an American, but as a human, we have this situation:

WTF?

WTF?

I wish I could tell you this is a joke, but I can’t. And it gets worse. As you know I always research a topic thoroughly before bringing you these blog posts, and in the course of my 10 second search for information about Oreos, I learned to my horror that these in fact are not the first aberration. Not anywhere near the first. As recently as not too long ago, there were “golden” Oreo cookies (gasp, vanilla!) with watermelon flavored filling. Fruit punch. Pumpkin freakin’ Spice. Is nothing sacred? Apparently while we were busy worrying about mass shootings and climate change and things, someone sneakily repealed the Chocolate Amendment. And Nabisco is now allowed to run amok.

Seriously, WTF?

Seriously, WTF?

I really don’t know how many times I have to say this folks, fruit is not dessert. Fruit is at best breakfast. At very best. And I might absentmindedly nibble on fruit as a snack from time to time. But it is certainly never my focus. What’s even worse than fruit? Fruit flavored items. And they don’t even stop there. For example, Fruit Punch is a flavor, not a fruit. You can’t go pick a punch fruit off of a tree. And you sure as hell don’t want to dunk it in coffee, or heaven forbid, cold milk.

How does Nabisco not understand these rules? They are the ones who taught us precisely how to eat Oreos in the first place. Break the cookie apart. Lick off the filling. Dunk the cookie into cold milk. A permitted variation, and one that I follow, is to dip the entire cookie into the milk. Following these rules, one gets not only delicious cookies, but also leftover sorta chocolate milk at the end. The leftover milk is not as good as Cocoa Puffs leftover milk, but certainly right up there with Cocoa Krispies leftover milk.

Now, if you’re more of a Fruity Pebbles leftover milk drinker, not sure why anyone would be but if you are; maybe you like the idea of dunking Watermelon Oreos into milk. And to that I say WTF is wrong with you? But I say it in a super nice way so as not to offend you. *Insert charming smile here*

If you want to see the extent of the damage, check out this list of every flavor of Oreo ever made. I can’t vouch for its accuracy, but I can guarantee it will leave a bad taste in your mouth.

Nabisco, please, just walk away from the fruit. Don’t look back. If you won’t do it for yourself, then do it for me. Do it for our country.

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How Much Wood Could A Wood Chipper Chip If A Wood Chipper Could Chip Wood?

I woke up yesterday to a text from a dear friend, who lives in another city. I have known her my entire adult life, so, I felt certain I knew a lot about her. But she sent me a text at 2AM that said:

“The fat one won’t fit in the wood chipper. What do you want me to do?”

Yeah. Exactly. Shades of Fargo, right?

fargo2

Well, I reasoned, she does live on a lot of land and does a lot of outdoor type stuff, so maybe she really was, for some reason, chipping wood (that’s an actual thing, right?) and had sent the text to the wrong person. Because we all know I am worthless in any kind of outdoor situation, let alone an outdoor situation that involves machinery.

As far as I know, and I feel pretty certain about this, she has never harmed anyone and/or shoved anyone into a wood chipper. So I wasn’t too concerned. Still though…I texted back and said:

“Umm, what exactly is going on in [name of her city]?”

I won’t say where she lives because it might give away her identity to mutual friends who would probably want to mock her. And I think I’m doing enough of that for all of us.

Then I waited. I had a lovely day hanging out at CJ and Lisa’s pool, but kept an eye on my phone because Wood Chipper Girl was still on the loose. She finally texted back:

woodchip

And it made me laugh out loud, because it’s such a brilliant idea. Right? So I told her I love her, because I do, and then I got back into the pool because it was hot out. I floated around with barely any thoughts at all about who or what might be in a wood chipper somewhere. And I certainly didn’t think about that terrifying clown. Not for a minute.

But I might watch Fargo again, because, wood chipper.

fargo

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Movie Of The Week: A Very Mellow Cat

Believe it or not, I had never seen the movie Beaches before, so I watched it last night. It was made in 1988, the same year I got married. So I’ve been busy! But I finally got around to it.

You probably know that it’s a story about two best friends, one named CC played by Bette Midler, whom I love. CC is a talented singer/actress always starved for attention, who hates her out-of-control curly red hair. So, other than the part about her having talent (which I could be developing any day now) she is very much like me. The friend Hillary, played by Barbara Hershey, is a pretty, wealthy, WASP with really awesome hair. The kind of girl you really want to hate but you can’t because she’s all nice and everything.

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I’m not going to issue a spoiler alert, because the movie is nearly 30 years old. But in case you’ve been busy like me…spoiler alert.

Hillary dies at the end, and yes it’s sad, but you see it coming for a long time. I was more worried about a little piece of foreshadowing: the cat. Hillary’s little girl has a cat, and they show it several times, including once when Hillary is holding it on her lap at the beach, and the cat’s not struggling at all, which is kind of weird. In my experience they only show a pet that much because it is going to have something to do with the plot. Usually nothing good.

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I started to get very concerned that something bad was going to happen to the cat; I mean, beyond just being dragged to the beach like it’s some kind of dog or something. Like maybe the cat was going to die along with Hillary. It was hard for me to focus on anything other than the fate of that cat. How much drama am I supposed to endure in one movie? I mean OK, a person is going to die, but what about the cat? Cruel. Pandering. Cruel.

I had a box of tissues at the ready, and yes, I cried when Hillary died but I was still preoccupied with the fate of the cat. Would kitty be OK? Yes. You will be relieved to know that as it turns out the cat is fine. Totally fine. It lived happily ever after in a big house filled with toys and cat food and warm, sunny windowsills. Oh, and CC and the kid are also fine. I’m sure they too lived happily ever after and all that crap because after all, someone needs to take care of the cat.

To recap, the movie Beaches is about a cat who absolutely, positively does not die, but somehow holds still to sit on someone’s lap on the beach. There are some people in it too. I give it two paws up.

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