After my optometrist used his antique equipment to determine what I’d been saying all along, that I can’t see, he posed what I could only assume was a philosophical question. “Do you want to see near or far?” I said “Near?” and he said “Yes grasshopper, you are wise.” Actually, he just nodded his head and made a note in my permanent record.
Anxious, I asked him if “near” was the right answer. When he didn’t respond I assumed it was one of those trick questions that have no “right” answer; a puzzle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a turducken. But as it turned out I wasn’t making a philosophical, hypothetical, rhetorical decision; he was literally giving me the option of seeing near or far.
I told the optometrist that I loved the idea of being able to see both far and near…and wide, I guess. He said I couldn’t have it all anymore; it’s either near or far. I reminded him that I am an American with all rights due a full citizen, including having it all. He was unimpressed. I would have to wear glasses for either driving or reading. After much deliberation about street signs and oncoming traffic I realized seeing far was probably best for driving, and I would just deal with reading glasses as necessary.
On the drive home I was delighted with my far-sight. It turns out that traffic lights have three separate colors, and there are lines painted on the road to separate the lanes! When I got home I grabbed my laptop, or at least what I hoped was my laptop because it was small and warm but neither furry nor purring; grabbed my reading glasses, and was able to see reasonably well. Victory!
The next morning I put in my contact lenses and started putting on make-up. Ooops! Almost forgot I need my reading glasses for anything near. OK, now that I’ve got my reading glasses on I can see the tube of mascara and…you know where I’m headed, right? I’d have to take my glasses off to apply the mascara, and once I took off my glasses I couldn’t see my eyelashes, the mascara or my hand. Hmm.
I just kind of swiped the mascara near my eyelashes in the hopes the two would meet. I estimate that 42% of my lashes came into contact with the mascara. I couldn’t really see the results but I’m pretty sure it didn’t look so hot. No problem, because I had a new plan for day two. Put on make-up before I put my contact lenses in, when I can still see up close. Can’t fool me twice! All set.
My mascara and eye shadow looked terrific until I put my contacts in and the dripping lens solution ran down my eyes and rendered me a raccoon. Waterproof mascara is only so waterproof.
So there you have it. With my new lenses I can drive anywhere…but I can’t leave the house looking like this.
*Credit to Burt Bacharach and Hal David for the lyrics
This one is in your top ten. Blind or not.
So glad you liked it madam!
I don’t care what you have to do…you know how I feel about make-up…find away to put it on! There are magnifying mirrors (I use one) and I’ve also seen magnifying glasses that allow you to flip up one lens at a time. All kidding aside you’re gorgeous with or without make-up, Love again, Mom
I’m glad everyone is so gung ho on these damn magnifying mirrors. I really don’t want to see what all is going on with my wrinkled wrinkles. There is no part of me I need to see that close up.
Lucky for you – you can go without make-up …remember I know you and see you, ergo I know the real truth. That said, the suggestion above for the magnifying mirror is spot on (though I must admit, horrifying to look into at the same time – so start slow – a quick glance then look away, gradually increase your time).
Magnifying mirror? There’s an app for that. Now Jill will be able to resume happily warbling the above lyrics as she usually does while applying her daily eyelid embellishments.
Warbling is an upgrade! Last time you called it squawking.
Thanks for the advice-I’ll pace myself
Daaaaaaa!!!! that is what a makeup mirror is for. Make sure when you go to a store that you check the different magnification. It makes a big difference in how much and how big you want to see that sweet face!
I’ve used those mirrors in hotels and they scare me. There are parts of my face I just don’t want to see that close up! Thanks for the sweet face comment-you haven’t seen it magnified! XOXO
I hear your pain. When I had cataract surgery I was given that choice for the lens they insert. (Now they have lenses that flip back and forth and you can indeed have it all.) I also opted for far. As a result I am much more forgiving of all those old ladies I used to see with the foundation mark on their cheek, lipstick on their chin and eyebrows drawn God knows where. Mostly because I am one of them now. You can get a magnifying mirror. It sorta helps. Maybe. The really good news is that if you screw up your makeup you can’t see it.
I love the really good news! You’re always a glass half-blind Kate!