Behind The Wheel: A Public Service Announcement

I know this is a much explored topic, but, I can’t resist because…bad drivers.

There are so many of them! When I was working I didn’t do much driving because I was in the city during the day and Dan usually drives on weekends. But now that I’m tooling around suburbia every day, well, I realize this whole thing has gotten out of hand. Way, way out of hand. So here I offer an open list of grievances to people who probably don’t even read my blog, but it makes me feel better:

1. No multi-tasking! Driving is a full contact sport. You are operating a piece of heavy machinery which requires your full and undivided attention. Calls, texts, FB updates and other important nonsense will wait. I know it’s hard to believe, but back in the olden days we went for hours and hours with no access to a phone. When we were away from home and absolutely needed to make a call we went to a 7-11, parked, got out of the car (!) and used the pay phone. Then we went into the store and bought a candy bar or two, just to be cordial. Maybe not everyone did that last part, but I certainly did because I am nothing if not cordial.
2. The left lane is the passing lane. This is not an opinion, it is fact. I do not need you to be my moral compass and decide that 65mph is fast enough for everyone. If I want to do 75mph (and of course I would never do that, but just theoretically) then your dumb ass needs to get out of the way. End of story. If someone comes up behind me and wants to go faster, my dumb ass gets out of the way because that’s the way it works folks.
3. NAR (No Apparent Reason) Drivers. Just stop it. Stop randomly hitting your brakes going uphill. Don’t make a right turn out of the left lane. Don’t ignore that turn lane when making a left; go right ahead and use it! A wide variety of NAR drivers.
4. OMG is that the accelerator? Yes you moron, it is. And it is intended for you to use to keep your car in a forward motion, at a pace that keeps up with traffic. In other words, for example, when a light turns green. You might want to go right ahead and hit your accelerator and make your way up to the speed limit, in my lifetime. Maybe even 10mph over the speed limit, depending on the circumstance.
5. Highways are not for sissies. So either learn how to merge and drive on one, or stay off of them entirely. There is only one way to safely merge onto a highway; GET UP TO SPEED YOU MORON. Do not merge onto the beltway, where traffic is going at 75mph, at a top speed of 38mph. This may well get both of us killed. I cannot get up to speed if you do not get the bleep out of my bleeping way. See item 4 above and make note that accelerator is there to be used! Also see item 2 and remember that your sorry ass does not ever, ever belong in the left lane. Ever.
6. When you hear sirens, pull over. Like, all the way over. Emergency vehicles need to get through. Someone’s life may be on the line. You’re not that important, and you can’t possibly be more important than whatever is causing those sirens to sound.
7. Turn signals. Get in the habit of using them! It’s a lovely feature that lets other drivers know where your dumb ass is headed. Drifting over a few lanes with no turn signal, without ever checking your blind spot, gives others the impression that you have your head stuck up your ass. Pull it out.
8. Sometimes rain falls from the sky. The sky becomes dark. That is an excellent time to turn on your headlights. Yes! I know it’s daytime but you are on a gray road driving a gray car through gray air. So go right ahead and use your headlights! C’mon, even your dumb ass can manage that.
9. Sometimes snow falls from the sky. When this happens you should drive more cautiously, but not so cautiously that you cause other people to, for example, get stuck behind your dumb ass on a hill. If you or your car are not equipped to grab some traction and make it up a hill, might I suggest staying home?
10. You’re out and about enjoying yourself, perhaps even having a cocktail or two. This is an excellent time to call Uber or Lyft or a friend or a cab or do just about anything other than driving yourself home. See item 1; driving is an important task and it’s crucial to have all your wits about you. Whatever meager resource of wits you may possess.

This has been a public service announcement, designed to keep dumb asses from doing dumb ass things. But honestly, I have little hope. Sigh.