The Cole Slaw Chronicles

Did you really think I wasn’t going to pick on my mom a little more?  I feel like you don’t know me at all, and she would be disappointed with me if I didn’t report back on a few things. First, the proof copy of my book arrived right before we left for the beach. Mom has been hounding me nonstop to read the book, so it was good timing.

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Not too shabby, right? Mom settled down with the book and immediately established radio silence throughout the apartment. She wanted to focus completely on reading and apparently that requires martial law. Making noise? Even if you might have a medical emergency or something, remain silent. Trust me, mom will shoot first and ask questions later.

At any rate, I was excited to see her reaction as she read; I didn’t expect her to start crying. The book is intended to be funny and all and I was hoping she would find it…you know…funny. She says she’s crying with happiness which is very sweet but, umm, can a girl get a laugh around here? Throw me a bone-a giggle, a smile, a chuckle-something.

As a Jewish mother, I’m pretty sure my mom is required by law to do this, but…she has to offer us every piece of food in the house, twice, anytime we might so much as glance in the direction of the kitchen.  Do you want a bagel? Lox? How about some tomato? Chips? Tuna salad? Potato salad? Pretzels? Cookies? Did you say you wanted a bagel? Lox? On and on, you get the idea.

There are more complicated laws too.  Like if I turn down potato salad but she takes some-at least three times during lunch she has to ask me if I want to taste the potato salad from her plate and if I’m sure I don’t want any potato salad and point out that the potato salad is delicious and maybe I should just take a little.

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The only way I can have any fun is to ask for the one thing mom doesn’t have in the house.  So I say “Gee ma, I was really in the mood for cole slaw.” And as sure as the sun rises each morning she goes into a state of panic and says “Cole slaw? OMG I don’t have cole slaw! I forgot to get cole slaw!” And then I say “Well, if you don’t have any, then I guess I’ll be OK. I was just looking forward to it…but if you don’t have it you don’t have it.”  Then I pout a little and let her make it up to me by giving me a cookie.

Childish?  Yes. What’s your point? I can do worse-like using the kids as pawns in my little game.  They are such quick studies. Craig works up his best puppy dog eye look (he’s really good at this) and says “Grandma, can I have some cole slaw?” I don’t want to be too close to her when he does this because she’ll start swatting at me, and as I have noted numerous times, she has deadly, albeit beautifully manicured, nails.

After all that, I know that next time I see her she will have 10 gallons of cole slaw in the fridge, but I will suddenly be in the mood for macaroni salad.

So those are my usual tips and tricks, but sometimes mom just hands me something on a silver platter. Like telling me about the times she calls City Hall, which apparently she does on a routine basis. A couple of years ago she called City Hall to report that there were too many shells on the beach and they were a nuisance. When I heard that, I asked her to call and see what they could do about the salt content in the ocean, because it wreaks havoc with my hair.  Also, if she could put a word in to the Wave Improvement Council; I’d like them a little higher but crashing closer to shore. If it’s not too much trouble.

All in all, I really enjoyed spending time at the beach. Except I did have my heart set on cole slaw.

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18 Responses to The Cole Slaw Chronicles

  1. Craig says:

    Why do I feel like your next seven post are going to start with that same sentence?

  2. Laurie says:

    Book in four weeks? Like at Amazon and Barnes and Noble? Or do I have to be on some special list to get it in four weeks? Just curious, because I KNOW it will be a fabulously funny read full up awesomesauce, straight up!

    • Laurie says:

      Dangit! Poor typing skills and no proofreading lead to ridiculous sentences!
      That should read:
      …a fabulously funny read, full of awsomesauce, straight up!”

      • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

        I was with you! I will be making an announcement but also notice I added a tab to this site, My Book. The link will be there and more info at http://www.jillfoerhirsch.com. And to think, you were the one in marketing while I toiled away in accounting. Hmmm.

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      And thanks for the vote of confidence! Both the paperback and ebook will be available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble!

  3. I couldn’t do that with my Mom. She’d have the cabbage on the counter and the knife in hand and I damn well better eat it once it was made. That did work when I had a real craving though. Gotta love moms. No one spoils you (even when you are an older adult) like a mom. Wish mine was still around. I’m hungry for cole slaw.

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      As you can see by my mom’s comment she would have dashed right out to the store to buy some IF my husband really wanted it. She has already admitted in front of dozens of people that she loves him more than me. So she made him his favorite blintz soufflé hot out of the oven for breakfast one day. And if you knew my mom you would know that the mere use of her oven is cause for speculation as to her mental health. Bless her heart.

  4. Lisa says:

    On our way home, stopping off at crossroads restaraunt for some cole slaw.

  5. Mom says:

    First of all I LOVED the book and it DID make me LAUGH! I’m so very proud of you! As for the cole slaw…if I thought you really wanted it I would have RUN to get it, but not until I finished the book! Of course if Dan wanted something I would have put the book down and finished it later. Mom

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      Were you laughing before or after you fell asleep reading it? Don’t worry, if I REALLY want something I already know to have Dan ask for it.

  6. Oh I am so excited that we’ve connected because your blog post made me giggle! Congrats on your book! ♥

  7. mimijk says:

    I got so excited about the book, I had a hard time focusing on your mom’s dereliction of cole slaw duty. You all punished her well and I think she learned from this family moment.

  8. Betsey says:

    Trade you some cole slaw for a chance to see your book…

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      I can’t wait for you to see it! No cole slaw necessary–this is the proof copy but I will have a real copy for you in about 4 weeks…when are we getting together?

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