Tricky Tuesday: A Day For Groundhogs And Assorted Animals

The two big events of the week, the Iowa caucuses and Groundhog Day, have me thinking. It’s sort of a Freaky Friday kind of thing, where everything is switched up and it’s hard to distinguish the top GOP candidates from the rodents who pop up and predict weather.

I have long maintained that Ted Cruz resembles nothing so much as a ferret. But it turns out that ferrets aren’t rodents, they are weasels. Donald Trump resembles more of a groundhog or other rodent. So in my mind I’ve narrowed the field down to weasels and rodents. From now until further notice when I say Weasel, granting all due respect by capitalizing, I am referring to Ted Cruz. And when I say Rodent, I am of course referring to Trump.

Both the Weasel and the Rodent foster hate for anyone who isn’t a gun-toting, white, Christian, heterosexual, but the Weasel has to at least nuance his agenda. Not a lot (!), but some. Not so the Rodent. He even ridicules his own followers, who are apparently deaf, dumb and blind. When a candidate says that he could randomly shoot someone in the street and people would still be loyal to him, the loyalists might want to stop for a moment and realize he is saying they are idiots, to the roar of their own cheers. [What do we want? An Asshole! When do we want him? Now! Why? Because!]

In my worldview, neither the Weasel nor the Rodent have even the slightest redeeming quality. But I will give them credit for one thing—they have made the rest of the party seem reasonable by comparison.

Anyway, just for fun, I challenge you to pick the top GOP candidates out of a line-up: