Set To Music, Everything Sounds Chipper!

A friend and I went to see Menopause The Musical Saturday night! Hilarious and I highly recommend it, but of course hard for me to follow since it was geared for women much, much, much older than me. Themes included hot flashes, difficulty sleeping at night, memory loss, and, uh, other stuff I can’t quite recall at the moment. Maybe after my nap. It was great fun and they even invited everyone on stage at the end to dance and hug and laugh and do all that other stuff women do when they get together. Don’t have to ask me twice to get up on stage!! And it’s certainly not my fault that others got pushed to the back behind my elbows. Stuff happens.

Now that there are musicals about menopause and Spamalot and other non-traditionally musical type shows, I have a few thoughts of my own; starting with prequels to Menopause the Musical:

  • Puberty The Musical
  • Vague Memories From College The Musical
  • Middle Age The Musical: Why Haven’t I Done Anything With My Life?

And then of course sequels:

  • Assisted Living The Musical
  • Nursing Homes The Musical
  • Hospice The Musical: I Never Did Do Anything With My Life
  • Funerals The Musical

And what about all those disaster films from the 70s? Set to music? Perfect!

  • Towering Inferno The Musical
  • Poseidon Adventure The Musical
  • Earthquake The Musical

And as long as we’re wandering into the land of poor taste, which always beckons me like a siren…

  • Nuclear Arms The Musical
  • Incurable Diseases The Musical
  • Economic Downturn The Musical: In My Day They Called It A Depression
  • Republican Convention The Musical: Same Old, Same Old (featuring the hit song It’s My Party and We’ll Die if We Want to)

Most important of all, a musical that could actually make me some money:

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Talking Dogs And Taunting Chipmunks

I apologize in advance for the fact that I have made yet another cat music video. It’s just that we have a really cute little chipmunk that keeps coming up on the Squirrel Deck and driving Jack absolutely nuts.

But first, as a reward for not throwing rotten tomatoes at me (you’re not doing that, right?), the cutest talking dog video I’ve ever seen, and that’s saying something! Honestly, I’m not sure it’s even dubbed. In case you haven’t already seen it:

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Sights And Sounds: WTF?

Have I mentioned before that I hate shopping? Don’t get me wrong, I like to acquire things, particularly adorable shoes that I totally don’t need, but I do that over the internet. Online shopping is the best thing that ever happened to me! I know I’ve mentioned how much I dislike the outdoors. Nonetheless, on rare occasions I allow myself to be persuaded to either shop, go outdoors, or both. Last weekend Dan and I decided to walk around National Harbor, a relatively new addition to the DC metro area, on the banks of the Potomac.

Oh, the things we saw! So much blog fodder, so little time. I could no doubt get lots of mileage out of the number of inappropriately dressed people whose images are permanently burned into my brain. I think, for example, that halter tops should come with a legal requirement: I, the Purchaser, testify that I am 29 years old or younger. I further testify that I do not have rolls of fat that will be exposed by wearing a halter top. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to pick on anyone. As I have frequently mentioned I myself am, you know, big boned. However (!), you wouldn’t see me running around in a halter top. First of all because I don’t run. Second, I definitely don’t wear halter tops. But I’m way too polite to opine on others’ appearance.

But there was so much more! Did you know that there is a store that sells nothing but cups? Seriously, that’s their entire inventory. Insulated cups. When we poked our heads in I was sort of incredulous and asked the overly-perky (in my opinion) sales clerk if they really only sold cups, she said “Yes. But not just any cups. Indestructible cups! Cups that keep hot beverages hot, and cold beverages cold.”

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At that point I was compelled to ask what would happen if I took the supposedly indestructible cup and ran it over with my car. Theoretically, if that destroyed the cup, would I be entitled to a refund? I wouldn’t say that I was thrown out of the store, but, after my question it became rather tense. I took that opportunity to make Dan snap a photo while I dashed.

And just a few doors down, Build-A-Bear! I love that place and when my niece and nephews were little I had an excuse to go in there. But now, it’s an absolute racket. It’s not just about building a simple teddy bear any more. You can build bears, sure, but you can also build My Little Pony and Hello Kitty and unicorns and bunny rabbits and jackalopes.

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But in case that leaves any excess money in your pocket, you can also buy any number of outfits and accessories for your new friend. This includes shoes and even roller skates.

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Not to be self-righteous, but all this while children around the world go to bed hungry and even worse, there are cute shoes in my size sitting around in a warehouse somewhere gathering dust because I’m not spending money on them. Such a waste.

Having met our needs for impervious cups and overdressed stuffed animals we were ready for a snack. Thank goodness, the Peeps Store was right across the way. Yep, they sell Peeps. Lots of them judging by the line at the cash register. I honestly thought Peeps were for decoration and/or to build funny dioramas to win the Washington Post annual contest, but people actually eat them!

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I figured I could just go home and eat a pillow soaked in corn syrup instead, but it was clear that my stuffed jackalope-on-skates needed just one more accessory; a little basket of miniature Peeps.

Now, for a little entertainment. We went to check out the Capital Wheel, the latest addition to National Harbor. I was expecting something like the London Eye but was sorely disappointed. This wheel is much smaller and less impressive.

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I can’t really tell you about the ride because they were asking $15 each for me, Dan, and the jackalope, and we can’t just blow $45 on something that frivolous.

The bottom line is National Harbor is a wholesome child-friendly kind of a place that’s perfect for the whole family. That’s why they’re getting ready to put in a huge casino. And also, there’s this, which frankly some of the children seemed to have questions about. I have no answers, except to say that he would not look good in a halter top.

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Rob Ford, Marion Barry, And The Downfall Of The Romanovs

I literally live inside the beltway so I have in all likelihood been overexposed to politics. I find it amusing that Monica Lewinsky resurfaced recently, and in Canada of course they can’t get enough of the endless antics of Rob Ford. But Ford is hardly original! I’d like to remind everyone what a real political scandal should look like.

By way of background, and not as a digression: One of my favorite historical figures is Grigori Rasputin, the Russian monk who some people bitterly believe led to the demise of the Romanov dynasty. I personally think the onset of the 20th century led to the demise of the Romanov dynasty, because things like dynasties and empires sort of went out of style, but admittedly, Rasputin didn’t help.

Grigori Raspoutine

I find Rasputin fascinating not just because of his influence over the Tsarina, but because of the herculean series of efforts required by his assassins to finally knock him off.  Stories vary, but in most versions Rasputin was poisoned with a huge dose of cyanide to no effect, then shot four times. Dead yet? Not at all. He rose again, and was then beaten and finally thrown in the river. An autopsy of his body showed that he was still alive when he went in the water, and actually died of drowning. This was a guy who knew how to make a comeback.

So even though he hasn’t been popular of late, if you want a real deal, juicy political scandal look no farther than Marion Barry, because no one, no matter how hard they try, can keep Barry down.  Barry was the Mayor of DC from 1979-1991. Even though he was super busy being Mayor of (at the time) the murder capital of the world, he found a little “me time” to unwind. For example, he was videotaped smoking crack cocaine with a rent-by-the-hour lady friend in 1990. In the infamous crack bust, Barry repeatedly puts the blame exactly where it belongs:  “Bitch set me up.”

http://www.spreadshirt.com/

http://www.spreadshirt.com/

Barry went to federal prison, but when he came out he immediately ran for a council seat under the slogan “He May Not Be Perfect, But He’s Perfect for D.C.” He became DC’s Mayor again from 1995-1999 and over the years has held a variety of elected offices, all the while continuing to allegedly lie, cheat and steal. Not his fault, mind you, it’s just that there are a lot of bitches out there who will set you up to make it look like you are snorting coke, drinking to excess, evading income taxes, and seeking the company of prostitutes.

I’m not sure exactly why this was on my mind this morning, but on a sunny summer day in DC, when other people contemplate jogging and bike rides and gardening and whatever other crap all those cheerful outdoors-y types love, I have to find better ways to occupy my time.

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Way Back Wednesday

Thanks to Twitter and other social media, for many of us Thursday has become known as Throwback Thursday. I typically dig up some old pictures and post them on Facebook on Thursdays. And by old pictures I mean, of course, incredibly flattering pictures of me in my prime. Can I help it if those are the pictures that surface?

Recently I was digging through some old boxes looking for more fodder, and I came across a bunch of papers I wrote for grad school. One in particular caught my eye, and just for the heck of it I flipped through it. The paper was a case study I did of a local business.

The year was 1989. The case study was about a computer. If you watch Mad Men, you know that the agency brought in a big old mainframe that literally drove one poor guy insane. This was the next generation. A single, standalone, desktop computer. The business was studying whether it made sense to bring in a computer; might it make things more efficient? Remember, this was a time when most of us were still carrying around big floppy disks and going to a computer lab to use spreadsheet software called Lotus 1-2-3. It could add numbers! Subtract them! Calculate means and medians and other cool stuff.

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Granted, Dan was in desktop publishing and had a Mac back then, a revolutionary contraption with a mouse and a serious graphic interface. He had something called Word and something else called Excel. And a Wheel of Fortune game that looked pretty good even by today’s standards. I mean, Vanna turned letters and clapped and someone yelled “Big Money!” when you put the wheel in motion. Pat Sajak even walked back and forth.

Kinda like this, but not in color!

Kinda like this, but not in color!

There was also a playful moose. I guess it was an early version of the reviled MS Office Assistant; a moose who would peer out from the top of the screen and talk to you. Knowing my propensity to become distracted when I was supposed to be working on a paper, Dan programmed the moose to pop up and say things like “Jill, stop playing Wheel of Fortune and get back to work!” That damn moose had uncanny timing, so it was a little creepy.

Moose

But I seriously digress. The business world was still largely DOS based and we were navigating via arrow and F2 keys and such. And my case study focused on this one, $2,000 computer purchase. The paper was due before the company ever got around to making a decision, so the case study was incomplete. I wrapped it up with a bunch of BS and conjecture. I’m not sure what they ended up doing because I spent a lot more time distracted by Wheel of Fortune. And, uh, my other studies.

But imagine that I got a 40 page (double spaced of course!) case study out of that one decision. I interviewed executives who were having endless meetings over this critical purchase. Who could have guessed about things to come like cell phones and the interwebs and the blogosphere and Facebook and Throwback Thursday? Who could have known that maxi dresses and platform shoes would come back in style? That kale would become an actual food product rather than just an icky garnish?

And now it’s 2014 and there are kale chips and kale salads and maxi dresses hanging in my closet and my mom is on Facebook. Or did I already cover that?

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Well I Didn’t See This Coming

I’m going to say this straight up and assume that you will all understand the enormity of it: My mom is on Facebook. She just friended me. I love my mom. A lot. You guys know that. She knows that. But this is a little like having my mom chaperoning my senior prom. Not in the sense that I’m making out with some guy in a dark corner, because I’m totally not. Nor have I ever, ever done anything like that, as far as my mom knows.

I think I know who is responsible for this fiasco, but I will not name names like CJ and Lisa. I will note that my mom’s profile pic is of Aubrey’s two cats. So certain someones left their sticky little fingerprints all over everything. I want to apologize immediately to Aubrey, Craig and Sean, because I can clearly see that when I opened a FB account way back when, you felt the same way about me as I feel now.

And mom, now that you’re on a roll, if you suddenly get a wild hair and decide to start your own blog, I should warn you that all the blog space on the internet has already been reserved. No empty slots left. It’s a shame, right?

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In conclusion, I would like to extend a warm FB welcome to my mom! While at the same time, hailing the beginning of the end of this particular form of social media.

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What The World Needs Now: More Adorable Cat Videos

Something very, very bad has happened to me. I learned that my faithful, clunky old Blackberry can actually take videos. Not good ones mind you-really bad grainy video. But the fact is I have video capabilities…and I have cats. I think we can all agree that is a dangerous combination. And on top of all that? I have enough time on my hands to make really bad cat/music videos.

So yeah. I did it. I’m going to try to contain myself, but, umm, yeah. The first video is typical sibling rivalry among the kittens. The second one is the real reason it’s so hard for me to get anything done around here.

I promise to pace myself on these. Probably.

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Missing Missy By David Thorne

Thank you to my nephew Craig for turning me on to one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. I had dubbed myself a humorist, but David Thorne is a Humourist, way funnier and much more impressive with the British spelling.

This particular entry is about a missing cat, which of course is sad, but cat lover or not, this is a riot. Read it all the way through, in order, and I promise you will not be disappointed. As I understand it this is a real exchange.

My deepest admiration for David Thorne!

Missing Missy Cat

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Andy Cohen Kind Of Took It Back

But only under duress…to save his own bobblehead. No guilt donation has yet been proffered. Stay tuned.

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Take It Back Andy Cohen! Take It Back Right Now!

How many times have I pined for Andy Cohen? Dedicated, faithful fan. Proud owner of a genuine licensed Andy Cohen bobblehead.

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I’ve loved Andy and he never loved me back, but even so, I’ve loved with all my heart. And now…well, let’s just say the bloom is off the rose.

Andy Cohen declared De Poezenboot a jackhole. He called it gross and disgusting. Why Andy? Why? De Poezenboot is a cat shelter in Amsterdam. It happens to be on a houseboat because, hello, every street in Amsterdam is lined with a canal. Many locals live on house boats. House boots, I guess, I should say.

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Since 1966, De Poezenboot has served as a refuge for stray cats. Dan and I have visited many times and found the cats content and well cared for. Nearly all the cats were free to roam in safe areas. No cages. Lots of cat trees, toys, food, litter pans. It is run strictly by dedicated volunteers; there are no paid staff. No, it’s not perfect, but it’s home for many healthy kitties who would otherwise be euthanized.

There is a hole in my heart where Andy Cohen used to be. He could make it up to me though. He could donate a big, fat, “you’re not a jackhole” check to De Poezenboot. I want to love you again, Andy. For the sake of our relationship, please give till it hurts.

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