The Cutest Corporation

Posted on May 22, 2013 by Jill Foer Hirsch

It’s gotta be good to be Apple.  They’re the corporation everyone loves; the mascot of American ingenuity.  Are we surprised that the same ingenuity that brought us the Mac and the iPhone would also uncover perfectly legal and totally awesome corporate tax breaks?

The NPR journalist who reported today on the Senate hearings took an interesting approach.  The teaser was “Is Apple pulling shenanigans with corporate taxes?”  Shenanigans?  That adorable little imp of a corporation.  They are just always up to something darling aren’t they?

The journalist went on to report that while Senator McCain grilled Apple’s CEO Tim Cook, he didn’t grill him “really hard”, and he of course acknowledged the company’s ingenuity and much beloved products.  Cute.  Here is what I imagine was said:

Senator:  Mr. Cook, you are really cool.  What are you crazy kids at Apple cooking up these days?

Cook:  Well Mr. Senator, I can’t share all of our secrets (wink, wink)

Senator:  I show off pictures of my grandkids on my iPhone.  It’s a very superior product.  Blackberry who? (guffaw, guffaw)

Cook:  I would love to see pictures of your grandkids!

Senator:  Really? Awesome dude!  Ah but we do need to discuss the very serious question of corporate tax evasion.  Please explain how it is that you had time for tax shenanigans when you’re busy making iStuff? (wink, wink)

Cook:  We’ve done nothing illegal; we just take advantage of corporate tax loopholes like every other corporation in America.

Senator:  It’s all very clear now and I think we’ve heard enough.  Apple is so cool!  I can’t believe you hung out with Steve Jobs.  I mean, wow, right?

cookjobs

Cook:  Jobs was a good man.  I know there’s one thing he would want me to say right now.  Why don’t you go after Microsoft for more taxes?  Everybody hates Microsoft.  They bully us all the time.  They’re really mean to us and stuff (looking down shyly)

Senator:  We will schedule hearings immediately!  We must make an example out of Microsoft, in Steve’s honor.

Cook:  That means so much to me and the Jobs family (brushes away non-existent tears)

Senator:  OMG!  I totally just met Tim Cook (giggling and squealing like a little girl at a Beatles concert)

It’s good to be Apple.

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I Don’t Know How To Tell You…

Posted on May 18, 2013 by Jill Foer Hirsch

But I have to say something.  I have a guilty conscience.  I have been blogging on another site behind your back.  I know it’s wrong, but the temptation was just too much.  I hope when you meet my paramour you’ll understand why I did it.  Truthfully, I’m slated to cheat again…at least twice.  Remember, no matter where else I blog, I will always come home to you.

http://blog.caringbridge.org/laughing-at-my-cancer/

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Sure They’re Cute At First…

Posted on May 17, 2013 by Jill Foer Hirsch

When Dan and I bought our first home back in the dark ages, we were just like any other first time homeowners; broke.  We were also really excited about our townhouse, which we thought was just perfect, and it was for the first week or so.  But then we came home to a really nasty odor.  Our cat at the time, Cinnabar, was standing on the stove clawing the bottom of the hood.  And were those bird feathers scattered across the stove?

Dan did a little investigating and discovered that there was a nest of baby birds living in the stove’s exhaust vent.  The exhaust was missing the little screen that keeps critters out.  Judging by the aroma wafting through our house they had seriously settled in to their new home in our new home.  Actually in all fairness, they may have been there before we were.

birds

We didn’t want to hurt the birds, but at the same time we needed to get them out of the vent.  After Dan’s efforts failed, we decided that maybe an exterminator could get them out safely rather than killing them.  So I opened up the yellow pages (remember those?) and started calling.  The first place I called was some kind of extermination boutique; they only did rodents or something.  I don’t think they totally appreciated my reminder that rodents are mammals, just like us. I called the next company, and they only did bugs and termites.  Who knew that exterminators had specialties?

The next listing said “we kill everything” bugs, termites, rodents, weasels, raccoons and pesk-y relatives!”  I called the company and explained the problem and the guy on the phone was indeed willing to kill everything and anything, expect a little nest of baby birds.  I told him we didn’t want to kill them, we just needed him to get them out of there but I had clearly touched a nerve.  He told me in all his years of killing other animals he’d never seen such callous disregard of a living creature.  Huh.  So just to test him I asked if he could help me out with the neighbor’s bratty kid.  He said he knew a guy who knew a guy.

OK, moving right along, the next exterminator, same thing–completely disgusted that I wanted to harm baby birds.  I told him the point was we didn’t want to hurt them.  No way.  So I told him about the baby bunnies running around our yard and he said he could take out the bunnies no problem.  I passed on that offer.

On a side note, we did have bunnies all over the neighborhood, and the HOA newsletter described an ugly solution for the “bunny infestation.” Fortunately most of our neighbors were horrified and everybody left the damn bunnies alone.

Then I called the humane society.  They said to just leave the birds alone.  The thing is, they weren’t living in a stinky house with a cat practically tearing her claws out to get to the birds.  When I pointed that out they helpfully advised that I not let the cat get near the birds.

catbird

After many more calls, we finally found an exterminator who said he could get them out unharmed.   He stood in my house and looked me straight in the eye and I asked him to please tell me the birds had survived.  He told me the birds were really happy on a farm in upstate New York, playing with all the other birds.  It must be quite a place, because that’s exactly where my childhood dog had gone.

farm

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Subscribe Now Before More Puppies Are Harmed

Posted on May 15, 2013 by Jill Foer Hirsch

So I’ve been blogging since last August.  If I’ve made even one person smile it’s all worth it.

Nah, just kidding, there’s a better reason.  I am trying to make a living as a writer, and I’ve done lots of research about it.  The first thing anyone will tell you is that if you want to be a writer, you must write a blog.  So I do.  And I appreciate everyone out there who loves it.  Both of you.

The reason blogs are a good idea for writers is to show the ability to write things that lots of people want to read.  Now listen carefully, because this is where you do your part.  If you are reading my blog but don’t think it’s very good, well, why are you reading it?  If you are reading it because you like it, I can’t really prove that to anyone if you don’t subscribe.  It’s like, super easy.  There’s a little box on the top of the right hand side of the screen, it looks like this:

subscribe

If you type your email address in there you will receive an email asking you to confirm your subscription to my blog.  You can go right ahead and click that, and then you will receive an email every time I post something.  I will receive the glow of knowing that you really, really like me.  Also, I can prove that a gazillion people a day are actually interested in reading what I write.

Thank you to those of you who already subscribe.  If you don’t subscribe, well, right now would be an awesome time to sign up.  Oh yeah, and if you love it, don’t keep it a secret!  Send the link https://universalmusings.com to other people, and then maybe they will subscribe too.

I know you’re busy.  And it’s not like writing is my life’s dream or anything.  If you’re the kind of person who kicks puppies and stomps on dreams, well, there’s not much I can do.

To recap, you are either the kind of person who subscribes to my blog, or the kind of person who kicks puppies.  Give it some thought.

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Ghost Of A Restaurant

Posted on May 12, 2013 by Jill Foer Hirsch

I want to give my mom a special Mother’s Day shout out the best way I know how…by making fun of her.  Trust me, she loves it.

Once when Dan and I were visiting she recommended this amazing place for lunch.  She said their food was delicious and fresh and it was her favorite place.  She had a copy of the menu and described how tasty various dishes were.  OK, we knew where we were headed for lunch!  Our mouths were watering.

That would be when mom told us we couldn’t go there because they’d gone out of business.  Then why did we just talk about the place for 15 minutes and look through the menu?  Apparently so we would know how great it was when it was open.  So, yeah.

Here’s to mothers and daughters always wanting the best for each other.  Happy Mother’s Day to the best mom I ever had, and Happy Mother’s Day to everyone out there who has nurtured a child and misled them about restaurants!

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My Zippered Frog

Posted on May 9, 2013 by Jill Foer Hirsch

As I was looking down at my summer purse the other day I realized it had become sort of rag-tag.  It is a straw purse and a frequent scratching post for the cats because they just can’t resist.  Like it or not, I have to embark on a quest to find and fall in love with a new summer purse.  I know some women love handbags and change them every day, sometimes more.  Not me; I settle into a bag and develop a meaningful relationship.

First, the purse has to be just the right size-not too big and not too small.  It needs to comfortably hold a 12 ounce bottle of water and in almost all cases it must be black.  It absolutely has to zip all the way across, because in between falling frequently and dropping my purse even more frequently, I need everything secured.  The inside of the purse must be divided for a number of reasons, including keeping my water in one side and my Blackberry in the other, just in case.  Yep, it’s a little OCD and thank you so much for asking.

Let’s say after a lot of false alarms I find a purse that meets the criteria above.  Now it is a candidate, but by no means has it won my heart yet.  There absolutely, positively has to be a little pocket on the inside, and it too must zip.  I need that pocket for all the things that will otherwise land in the depths of my purse and never be found again; lipstick, mints, pens, etc.  If I manage to find a bag that also has a similar zipper pocket on the outside I’m in heaven.  No digging around for car keys.

The strap must be just the right length, or adjustable, and not too many metal decorations on the outside that are just going to catch on things when I clumsily bump into them.  Last but not least is the matter of the moral dilemma…is the purse leather?  In the old days when I didn’t care about all the innocent animals being kept in horrible conditions and then slaughtered, it had to be leather.  Nowadays, I strongly prefer fabric of some kind.  I’ll never give up my leather shoes, but I try to compromise on my handbags.  Still, if it’s leather but meets all my other criteria I will probably buy it and live with the cow blood on my hands.

I’m probably going to have to kiss a lot of frogs before I find my princely bag, but eventually I will find my true love.

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Leftovers Or Plan Aheads?

Posted on May 7, 2013 by Jill Foer Hirsch

It’s all in the eye of the beholder.  Or be-reader.  Another past favorite in my continuing effort to Blog Green.  Recycle, reuse, repeat after me…

Can You Hear Me Now?

My favorite things include raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens.  Also brown paper packages tied up with string.  All of those things are lovely, but in my opinion Julie Andrews left out some very important items.  Here’s my top 10, in no particular order:

  1. Ice cream (any flavor as long as it’s chocolate)
  2. Cats
  3. Gay men.  Every woman should have at least a dozen on hand at all times
  4. Shoes
  5. Satellite television
  6. iPads
  7. Walkie-talkies
  8. Microphones
  9. Plain M&Ms
  10. Peanut M&Ms

Most of these are self-explanatory, but if you’re wondering about #7, I am obsessed with walkie-talkies, which is ironic since I cannot safely walk and talk at the same time.  But standing still, they are just so way cool.  I was a big fan of CB radio back in the day too.  I loved saying breaker breaker, what’s your 20?  10-4 good buddy!  Basically I love any device through which I can broadcast my every thought (like this blog for example).  Obviously #8 is a variation on a theme.

Walkie-talkie privileges have only been bestowed upon me 3 times.  Twice I was given a walkie-talkie at a law firm.  The first time, my firm was moving, and we all needed a way to communicate throughout the whole hair-raising experience.  So really I only had a temporary privilege.  OK, maybe I had a little fun here and there, what of it?  I ended up listening to some big boring lecture about appropriate use of the firm equipment blah blah blah whatever.  After that I quickly gave everyone my 20 before they wrenched it out of my hands.

The second time, I was part of a highly trained elite office emergency response team, kind of like a Navy Seal except the only thing I had to do was clear half a hallway of people in the event of an emergency.  Still, you never know when some stealth underwater work or a helicopter rescue might be required.  It was a great gig because in addition to the walkie-talkie I also got a bright yellow windbreaker with big orange flames on the back.  I was wielding quite a bit of power there my friends.  I absolutely begged for a megaphone, but no luck.

Anyway, the one time I actually needed to use the walkie-talkie for what may have been an emergency, it was about 7:00 in the evening, and absolutely no one responded.  I asked for help repeatedly and got the sound of crickets chirping.  So I had to singlehandedly save everyone in the building while fighting back the smoke and flames and carrying an old lady and a baby to safety.  OK, that was a slight exaggeration; it was just a surprise fire drill.  No smoke, no flames, no old lady, no baby. But clearly I was ready, willing and able to risk my own life to get a bunch of corporate lawyers off their conference calls and escort their sorry butts to safety while they whined about me interrupting them.  Bless their hearts.

The third time was when Dan bought a set for us, after 9/11, because it turned out that if I was on the roof of my office and he was on the roof of his office we could clearly communicate.  There was one slight problem…my office was caddy-corner to the FBI and they had like a huge honking problem with me standing on the roof with a walkie-talkie.  Another boring lecture about national safety from some sharpshooter or something.

As to microphones, I love them.  Once again it’s the sound of me running my mouth and what could be better?  No one will give me a microphone unless they absolutely, positively have to do it.  At a fundraiser last year they had no choice because I was announcing the big prize winners.  The executive director of the organization, and my good friend (I thought), stood 2” away from me, ready to wrestle me for the thing if anything bad went down, and hissing into my ear about what I was supposed to be saying.  Geez, like I’m a loose cannon or something.  If she could have figured out a way to put me on a 7 second delay, she would have been slightly more relaxed.  So I made a few Priest/Rabbi/Horse in a bar jokes, is that so bad?  And for one brief shining moment acted like a rock star and asked everyone if DC was ready to rock.  It’s all just in good fun.

For now I’ll keep using this blog for shout-outs, but one day I will sneak a microphone when no one is looking, and finally have a little fun.

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Not So Constructive Criticism

Posted on May 5, 2013 by Jill Foer Hirsch

I have been working furiously on final touches to my book.  Today was the day I asked Dan to start reading it.  He’s read older versions, but I’ve done a ton of revisions since then.  I anxiously watch his face, await his feedback.  OMG was that a smile?  Nope, false alarm, he was just warming up to a sneeze.

He says he’s tired of reading and will get back to the rest of it later.  I boldly say “Well?  What do you think?”  Dan furrows his brow, thinks for a minute and says “The beginning isn’t funny enough.  You need to go back and make it funnier.”  I frantically scroll back to the beginning and show him all the funny parts.  He agrees it’s funny, but doesn’t think it’s funny enough.

I remind him that cancer was mostly funny, but not all, and I have no credibility unless I’m honest with my readers about the few less than laugh-out-loud moments.  I remind him of one such moment, which he brilliantly declares is not very funny.  Sigh.

As we weren’t making any progress on the first item, we moved on to his next insight.  He doesn’t like that I say mostly nice things about him and then later say something like he was trying to off me for insurance money.  It’s a little thing I like to call humor, but Dan tells me it’s too abrupt.  Okey dokey, note to self:  stop being abrupt.

THE END

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Choking And Smoking

Posted on May 3, 2013 by Jill Foer Hirsch

In case you forgot, I watch a whole lot of TV.  Typically I TiVo (yes, it’s a noun and a verb) shows and fast forward through commercials.  TiVo is sort of a spiritual experience for me; I wouldn’t say I worship it but I do respect it as a Higher Power of sorts.  Still, on occasion I do end up watching live TV which means I see a bunch of commercials.

Two questionable commercials caught my attention recently.  Granted, I’m a vegetarian, but I think these are bad either way.  Let’s start with KFC boneless chicken.  KFC just awoke from a long slumber and discovered that lots of people want boneless chickens.  They seem to be a little out of touch…who’s going to break the news to them about the Interwebnet?  These execs clearly haven’t seen a chicken lately or they would have caught on.

Credit: Gary Larson, The Far Side

Credit: Gary Larson, The Far Side

Anyway, the commercials show someone eating an entire plate of chicken and then someone else screams “you ate the bones!”  The platter is indeed devoid of bones, so the chicken-eater starts freaking out that he ate all the bones.  Eating bones is disgusting.  Didn’t Mama Cass die from choking on a chicken bone?  Maybe that’s just an urban myth, but my mind still goes straight to a dead Mama Cass.  It’s not pleasant.

KFC is even having a contest for who makes the funniest face after thinking they ate the bones.

boneless-contest

Mine would be green with someone nice holding my hair back for me.  Vegetarian or not, I find it hard to believe this is appetizing to anyone.  If anyone out there desires a bucket of chicken after all that, please weigh in so we can fairly represent both sides of the story and show why my opinion is right.

Noteworthy for completely different reasons is Famous Dave’s BBQ.  They have hit the summer market hard with a new offering called, get this, Burnt Ends.  I couldn’t even make this up.  When I think of burnt BBQ only one thing comes into my head:  carcinogenic.

Do you know what I would give to have been a fly on the wall when the ad agency and marketing execs came up with this one?  Yeah, these are the burnt ends we used to throw away, but now we’re offering them to you as a premium dinner for $8.95 with two of our Sloppy Seconds side dishes.

Famous-Daves-Unleashes-BBQs-Dark-Secret-Burnt-Ends-Revealed

According to Famous Dave, these are the “burnt, crispy ends that pitmasters usually keep for themselves.”  I vacillate between being astounded by the gall it takes to do this and being incredibly impressed with the marketing prowess.  I can only assume that the Fat and Gristle Platter is coming up next.  And what is KFC doing with all the unused chicken bones?  Throw those on the platter too.

Everybody working up an appetite?

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Save Our Planet

Posted on May 1, 2013 by Jill Foer Hirsch

I’ve been worried a lot lately about my carbon footprint.  Specifically, I think I may be producing too many words, and possibly poisoning the ground water supply.  It is well established that I never stop talking, and for the last three months I’ve done nothing but write, so there’s a lot of potentially toxic materials relentlessly falling directly from my brain.

I have been irresponsible and it’s time to Blog Green.  In hopes of singlehandedly saving the planet, I am reviving some of my most popular posts.  Enjoy…again.

The Great Acorn Shortage Of 2008, September 4, 2012

By now it is clear that my husband and I are animal lovers, so naturally when the fall of 2008 rolled in with a serious acorn blight of some kind, our thoughts turned immediately to the hungry squirrels.

Our house has a sliding glass door in the kitchen that leads out to what would be a lovely deck, if we’d ever gotten around to building it.  When faced with the scariest acorn shortage ever, Dan got it into his head that we needed a deck.  But not just any deck—we needed a squirrel deck.  The next thing I knew, Dan had a big square piece of plywood laid out on the grass under the kitchen door.  He started putting out food for the squirrels on the plywood.  A few days later, he elevated the plywood 6” or so, and  added a spinning thing from which he could hang two ears of corn, for a little variety.  Every few days, he would raise the plywood higher and higher, trying to acclimate the squirrels to their new food source.  Finally, when the squirrels were completely comfortable with the arrangement, Dan put the plywood on a couple of posts and raised the squirrel deck flush with the bottom of our kitchen door.

In between rolling my eyes and making sarcastic remarks, I started to notice how really cool it was to have a squirrel deck.  Dan bought nuts in bulk and ordered corn cobs by the case from www.crittercorn.com (Don’t believe me?  Click on the link), and soon we had all kinds of woodland creatures dining in style right outside our door.  Cardinals, blue birds, and squirrels in the morning, and an adorable family of raccoons late at night.  Soon the deer started swinging by for a nibble, and inevitably, the red foxes meandered out as well.

The foxes can’t climb up the deck, so at first we paid them little attention.  But we finally realized that a fox is, well, crazy like a fox, and had taken to just hanging out under the deck.  What goes up must come down, and some of the squirrels came down to a nasty surprise.  Dan headed out to the hardware store again and brought home several pieces of lumber, and some heavy duty bungee cord.  In a flash, Dan built a bridge from the deck to a tree in our backyard.  It wasn’t pretty, but our precious squirrels had safe passage.

By the time summer rolled around and food was plentiful, I couldn’t bear to give up the deck, and so it has stayed, in various iterations, for 4 years.  Every morning Dan hitches up his pants and announces in his best Farmer Brown voice that he’s “goin’ out to feed the critters,” and the cats and I enjoy watching another morning of squirrel antics.

Here’s a picture of the deck and bridge in all its glory (yes, that’s Helen in the foreground), and a picture of a particularly acrobatic squirrel enjoying the critter corn.  Pretty fancy, eh?

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