Hospitals 201: WTF, Continued

In the continuing saga of last year’s hospital stay…

1. Patient settles into a routine of blood draws at 4:00am, followed by EKGs at 9:30am, The Price is Right at 10:30am, and gurney rides to imaging soon after lunch. Late afternoon is spent trying not to think about how parched she is and how there is a giant water fountain right outside her room. Patient has dim memory of normal life.
2. Patient eats an entire bag of jelly beans. Patient doesn’t even like jelly beans.
3. In attempt to escape, patient begs, pleads, cajoles, stomps foot, threatens and briefly holds nurse hostage. Just briefly! Calm down it wasn’t that bad; in fact I’m pretty sure nurse was on a break anyway.
4. Patient is amazed at array of hospital services. Social worker swings by, possibly concerned about hostage situation. Librarian comes by with handfuls of uplifting information about heart failure and diagrams of the cardiovascular system. Patient cannot tell if diagrams are upside down or not. Gets bored. Chipper hospital pharmacist comes by to announce they are out of half the meds patient needs. Funeral director comes by. Patient becomes introspective and gets religion.
5. After six solid days of endless hospital stay, doctor finally takes patient to OR for right heart cath. Doctor has difficulty threading catheter into artery because patient is dehydrated. Doctor scolds patient for being dehydrated. Patient quietly plots her revenge.
6. Nurse summons orderly to take patient from recovery back to her room. Orderly looks at patient and says “She needs a ride? She can’t walk up there? Shhhht.” Nurse looks like she will kill orderly. Patient notes orderly looks exhausted and offers to give him a ride instead.
7. Carefirst reauthorizes patient’s PH meds after receiving bill for $50K weeklong hospital stay. Through clerical error they reauthorize through 2039. Patient optimistic about Carefirst’s longevity prognosis.
8. Patient bids nurses a tearful goodbye, with promises to return for a visit
9. Patient’s cats glare at her when she resumes her rightful spot on the bed. Patient promises cats she will leave them everything in her will. Cats still annoyed.
10. Patient notes it’s been a rough run, but if she ever starts blogging again, she’ll have plenty of material