A House Divided

A lovely young man I know has been dating a lovely young woman.  Everything is perfect except…The Mother.  The Mother lives with the young man and will not budge.  Back when the young man was a very young man he and The Mother bought a home together.  Seemed like a good idea at the time.  But somewhere along the way The Mother simply stopped paying bills.  So the young man has been paying the mortgage, the electricity bill, buying groceries, etc.  He pays for The Mother’s cell phone and car.

You might be thinking this is a sweet, helpless old woman.  No.  She is all of 52 years old, in good health, and has a job.  Although the job doesn’t pay terribly well, it is perfectly suited to her personality.  She is a School Bus Screamer.  There’s the School Bus Driver, who sits behind the wheel, and then The Screamer, who is paid to yell at the kids and call them nasty names every day.  In this The Mother revels.

The young man has politely and repeatedly asked The Mother to move out—and is even searching for a nice apartment and putting down the security deposit and first three month’s rent.  But The Mother simply refuses to move out, and since her name is on the mortgage the young man has few options for forcing her out.  It is clear that the young man needs to use some creative problem solving.

First of all, she seems to be lonely.  Sign her up at needsomebodytolove.com and then fabricate a dreamy new love interest.  For the same cost of keeping her in house and home, pay off some guy to sweep her off her feet and take her somewhere far, far, far away.  It’s bold, it’s romantic, and it just might work!

How about finding her a better paying, more appealing job in another city?  For all we know the MTA is looking for bus and subway screamers right now.  They don’t like to rely on just random crazy people for entertainment-they want to have someone there and at the ready to take over if there is a lull.  Turns out this is a good paying union job with full benefits.

Of course, the young man can always go old school with a haunted house.  Simply rig the house to make weird creaking noises for a while.  Then ease in to doors and windows opening and closing all on their own.  Next, murmuring voices from the attic.  With modern electronics, all things are possible.    If The Mother is still being stubborn, it’s time to slip her a mickey and send in a shadowy figure dressed like the grim reaper.

I’m eager to see which approach the young man chooses, and how it all turns out.  And don’t mind the woman screaming in the background.  She’s just fine, honest.