Married Life, Part Deux

Yesterday we discussed un-common interests.  Today we move on to more mundane items that are nevertheless critically important.  And I don’t want to bash men, but one needs to understand their care and feeding.  Dan has an open invitation to post a rebuttal.

First and foremost, separate bathrooms.  Men are disgusting—who wants to wallow in their filth?  Also, how many times do couples fight about the toilet seat being up or down?  Men and women are not meant to share bathrooms.  I have mine rigged so that Dan gets hit with an electric shock if he tries to set foot in there, although there’s a special override in case I need him to come in and fix the plumbing or something.

Second, slow down and enjoy all that life has to offer.  As Dan cheerfully says “we have the rest of our miserable lives together, why rush?”  I know, pretty romantic stuff.  I am one lucky girl.

Of course when we discuss husbands what we are really talking about is a creature somewhere between adult and child.  So for example, Dan is envious of every man who can belch louder than he can.  “Man!  Did you hear that guy?  Maybe if I keep practicing.”  Wistful.  He definitely enjoys watching things get blown up, which seems to be a featured scene in everything he watches.  He makes little explosion noises while he watches.  He still finds jokes about bodily functions absolutely hysterical.

Dan also heads out to work with pockets full of jingly jangly items.  I have no clue what all is in there, but then again I don’t want to know.  One day Dan came home with a Dilbert M&M dispenser.  I collect M&M dispensers and had never seen this one before.  It was lovely but looked a little, umm, well a lot, used.  It was pretty cool though, you had to push Dilbert’s arm to get him pounding away on his keyboard in order to dispense the candy.

I said “wow Dan, where did you find this?”  Hands stuffed down in his pockets, staring at his shoes, he mumbled “I traded a guy for it at work.”  Okey dokey, what did you trade?  “You know, whatever”  Hmmm.  Had Dan gone off to work today with Oreos and a pudding cup?  That must be it, the guy was hurtin’ for some Oreos.  Some poor schmuck got desperate when his wife put him on a diet and packed melba toast instead of cookies.

Which brings me to another point.  Do not, under any circumstance, tell your spouse what to eat and what not to eat.  If your spouse is unsuccessfully trying to pull on a pair of jeans, do not ever, ever ask why they don’t button anymore unless you’ve been hankering to spend some time sleeping on the sofa.  In fact, a wise man would say “oh no, I knew I was going to shrink those jeans when I left them in the dryer too long.”  The wise man is the one who’s going to get laid tonight. Just sayin’

Finally, I know that it is in fashion to communicate-talk about your completely valid and important feelings, listen to his dumb feelings and feign interest, keep both eyes open so you don’t miss a thing.  But the way I see it, the key to a long marriage is for love to be blind, deaf and dumb.  If you don’t want to see him chugging milk out of the carton, don’t look!  If you don’t want to hear him saying stupid shit that makes you want to kill him, don’t listen!  If you think it might not be a good idea to tell him about that big bald spot, shut the hell up!

For all of you newlyweds who just peered into my version of your future…you’re welcome.