Happy New Year everyone! It’s hard to believe it’s 2013; it seems like just yesterday we were partying like it was 1999. This morning we all woke up facing a new year, a year full of possibilities of everything we can become over the next 12 months.
Apparently, for many of us what we want most desperately is to lose weight. That is overwhelmingly the number one New Year’s Resolution in the US, which is either ironic or reassuring, considering that overall, we are kind of obese. I think we ought to look at the methodology that routinely results in the US being named the most obese country in the world. Currently, it is measured as the percentage of all people who are obese, with obese defined as “someone who owns one or more pairs of fat jeans, and holds a frequent flyer card for Dairy Queen.”
I feel like there’s a better approach—how about taking the average weight of all Americans? I figure if my excess weight could be spread across a dozen anorexic supermodels to come to a reasonable average, we could all feel better about ourselves.
Regardless, so many of us resolve to lose weight each year and envision ringing in next year by proudly passing out from not eating. I think this is actually the worst possible time of year to resolve to lose weight because we’re still smack in the middle of candy season.
Candy season begins in October as everyone starts buying way too much Halloween candy. We eat way too many “mini” candy bars and scarf down all leftover candy within 24 hours of the last visit by a trick-or-treater. Then we all swear off the stuff.
That’s fine, until three weeks later when we run smack into Thanksgiving. We face not just candy, but a dazzling array of pies, cakes, cookies and other treats. OK so we binged a little, but this time we really really mean it, we are going to be really good through the generic December holiday celebrations. And we would have been OK too, if no one had put out egg nog and cookies and cakes and candy and all that other yummy stuff.
The last week has been a blur of leftovers and half price chocolate Santas, so let’s not even discuss it. Aha! I know what you’re thinking, what better time than right now to resolve to get in shape? So let’s say that you start eating nothing but organic sprouts and yogurt, and you drag your sorry butt to the gym 7 days a week. Good for you! Clothes fitting better? More energy? Good for you!
Wow, in just 6 short weeks you have really whipped yourself into shape, and here you are, slim and trim on February 13. Don’t throw those fat jeans out just yet, because tomorrow we eat! February 14 is a major candy holiday. In my world February 15 is also a major candy holiday, because Dan simply cannot resist half price candy.
OK, so one little lapse in judgment and you gain back half the weight you lost since new year’s, but that’s OK, you are back on track. In 6 or 8 weeks you admire yourself in the mirror, looking good! Wait, what’s going on this weekend? Easter? Really?
Yes, it may be the home stretch, but it’s still candy season. Find me someone who doesn’t enjoying gnawing the ear off a chocolate bunny, and I will show you a freak of nature. I know, technically I don’t celebrate Easter, but half off Easter candy is hardly a religious statement. I mean, have you had a Cadbury Caramel Egg? To die. I like to think that all that gooey caramel strengthens the bonds we share across religions.
The corollary to candy season is of course no-candy season, which begins immediately after Easter and runs through the end of September. So forget January resolutions, cut yourself a break and start your new diet and exercise regimen in the spring. You will be feeling great right through the first visit to the pumpkin patch when the cycle starts again. If you’re lucky, come new year’s you weigh the same as you weighed last year at this time.
Now, who wants to kick off 2013 with a trip to DQ?