The Poison Pen Chronicles

Look, I understand that everyone has their own taste, and that my writing and/or sense of humor does not appeal to everyone. Really uptight, boring people for example; they don’t get it. But when I saw the first bad review of my book on Amazon, well, logic went out the window. Someone just told me my baby is ugly! Is that nice? Nope. Not nice. And it’s not that I’m obsessing over it either, it’s just that I feel like venting a bit.

So here’s the first part of the review that hacked me off: She’s not as funny as she thinks she is.

But I am! I am exactly as funny as I think I am! I crack myself up all the time, and I have a very sophisticated sense of humor. Very. Sophisticated. So now the reviewer has opened up a wound, but then she pours salt on it by saying: Her husband seems like a doll though. WTF? My husband is a doll but that’s not even the point. I don’t want this be-atch talking about, writing about or thinking about my man.

And if you think I’m bitter about this review, you should just hear my mom! She is downright bloodthirsty. It is imperative that I prove that I am as funny as I frackin’ think I am. So we’ve come up with an idea for a little caper that will right this egregious wrong.

We’re just going to track this woman down; not stalking mind you, just tracking. And then my mom is going to hold her down while I throw one-liners until she cracks up. Is that a crime? Sure, technically it might be holding her against her will, but let’s not split hairs. Once she’s laughing and enjoying herself, it will all be bygones! Of course, if she gets all whiny and calls the police, I can just imagine the conversation…

Please describe the incident:

I was walking down the street minding my own business, and a woman came up to me and asked me if I was missing my funny bone. I thought I might have dropped it somewhere so I looked down, and the next thing you know another woman came up from behind and pinned me down.

Yes, and then what happened?

Well this is the weird part; the first woman whipped out a microphone, put a cocktail in my hand, and started doing stand-up comedy. I don’t know what was in the drink but I figured no point wasting a perfectly good cocktail. And with each sip the woman got funnier! I couldn’t help it Officer. I giggled.

So you were drinking on the night in question?

Just like two vodka tonics. Three tops. I mean there was a two drink minimum and I might have had one after that just to stay loose.

And you found your alleged “attacker” amusing?

Uh, kind of I guess, but I was still being held against my will. I tried to catch her off guard and heckled her, but she had a comeback for everything I threw out there! She’s good…

I see. So would you say she was exactly as funny as she thinks she is? Or even funnier?

Gee I don’t know…hey do you want to take pictures of my injuries? That old lady has some very sharp jewelry that dug right into my wrists as she was holding my hands behind my back.

Let’s not get carried away ma’am. You can’t get worked up over every single comedy related injury that comes your way.

Now, describe the weather conditions on the night in question

Who the hell knows? I was being attacked by some crazy woman and her mother! It could have been raining men for all I know.

So it was raining men?

I don’t know, maybe!

Are you sure it wasn’t raining cats and dogs?

Pretty sure.

Umm hmm. And about your funny bone. Did you ever locate it?

No. I still seem to be completely humorless and annoying.

Well there’s something we agree on. That’s all for now. We’ll be in touch if we ever catch these “perpetrators” you describe.

But you didn’t even take down their description! This is NOT funny.

Oh, but it is funny. You wouldn’t know because didn’t you just yourself admit that you are missing your funny bone?

This is ridiculous! I want justice!

Well it sounds to me as if poetic justice has been served. Lap it up and move on. And ma’am?

What?

We’ve asked Amazon to block you from writing any more book reviews. Strictly for your own protection.

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18 Responses to The Poison Pen Chronicles

  1. This was so unfunny I laughed through the whole thing. Just to be considerate. Too bad this woman here has no sense of humor.:-)

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      Thanks for the sympathy! I know I shouldn’t worry about just one review but, it’s a thorn in my side. Sigh.

  2. itsmeval says:

    Even your retaliations are funny!

  3. Pam Waits says:

    My professional opinion? You’re as funny as you think you are.

  4. What? A negative reviewer? Preposterous! Doesn’t she know who you are ~ you’re awesome!

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      There’s the right attitude! I’d like to recruit you to my “catch and release” program, where we “re-educate” people who don’t think I’m a good writer. 🙂

  5. Mom says:

    Good job! I love this fantasy! We can dream can’t we? Mom

  6. Craig says:

    “There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing”

  7. katecrimmins says:

    Surely this wasn’t a bright person? She probably doesn’t even like chocolate or cats! A philistine for sure!

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      How right you are Kate. She’s probably one of those women who says “Oh that dessert is just way too rich for me” which usually makes me want to slash my wrists. And she probably wrinkles her nose when she sees a cat, and asks if it bites. Oh yeah, I’ve worked out a whole image of this “lady”!

  8. mimijk says:

    How dare this person slight you in the least!! Clearly, a person with limited intellect and a serious case of ill-humor.

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      I knew you would be incensed as well! I mean everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, as long as it’s the right one.

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