It’s gotta be good to be Apple. They’re the corporation everyone loves; the mascot of American ingenuity. Are we surprised that the same ingenuity that brought us the Mac and the iPhone would also uncover perfectly legal and totally awesome corporate tax breaks?
The NPR journalist who reported today on the Senate hearings took an interesting approach. The teaser was “Is Apple pulling shenanigans with corporate taxes?” Shenanigans? That adorable little imp of a corporation. They are just always up to something darling aren’t they?
The journalist went on to report that while Senator McCain grilled Apple’s CEO Tim Cook, he didn’t grill him “really hard”, and he of course acknowledged the company’s ingenuity and much beloved products. Cute. Here is what I imagine was said:
Senator: Mr. Cook, you are really cool. What are you crazy kids at Apple cooking up these days?
Cook: Well Mr. Senator, I can’t share all of our secrets (wink, wink)
Senator: I show off pictures of my grandkids on my iPhone. It’s a very superior product. Blackberry who? (guffaw, guffaw)
Cook: I would love to see pictures of your grandkids!
Senator: Really? Awesome dude! Ah but we do need to discuss the very serious question of corporate tax evasion. Please explain how it is that you had time for tax shenanigans when you’re busy making iStuff? (wink, wink)
Cook: We’ve done nothing illegal; we just take advantage of corporate tax loopholes like every other corporation in America.
Senator: It’s all very clear now and I think we’ve heard enough. Apple is so cool! I can’t believe you hung out with Steve Jobs. I mean, wow, right?
Cook: Jobs was a good man. I know there’s one thing he would want me to say right now. Why don’t you go after Microsoft for more taxes? Everybody hates Microsoft. They bully us all the time. They’re really mean to us and stuff (looking down shyly)
Senator: We will schedule hearings immediately! We must make an example out of Microsoft, in Steve’s honor.
Cook: That means so much to me and the Jobs family (brushes away non-existent tears)
Senator: OMG! I totally just met Tim Cook (giggling and squealing like a little girl at a Beatles concert)
It’s good to be Apple.