Judgment Call

If there’s one thing I can’t stand (no worries, there are dozens more) it’s people who pass judgment on other people.  Who do these people think they are?  Me?

Of course I judge people, but I’m a professional with years of specialized training.  I have an opinion on everything–what you should name your kid, where you should go on vacation and what color you should paint your kitchen.  Naturally, when people ignore my opinion I’m left with no choice but to judge them,  because what kind of moron doesn’t heed my advice?

CJ and Lisa tell me they belong to a “no judging” gym.  In fact, they tell me they actually don’t judge others around them.  And although they’re perfectly nice people, I don’t believe them.  We’re talking about a gym, second only to the beach as the best place on earth to judge people.  Absolutely everyone is too fat or too thin or too tall or too short.  There are people who should or should not wear lycra and lipstick; if they’re too quiet they should speak up and if they’re too loud they should pipe down.  And for the sake of all that is good and right, people need to turn off their damn phones.  Good grief, do I have to explain everything?

It’s only fair that I judge myself all the time too, and believe me I hold up that end of the bargain.  For one thing there’s the question of the gym.  What kind of fat person just marches into a gym?  On the other hand, what kind of fat person sits on their ass and doesn’t go to the gym? And you have to be at least a little crazy to have 4 cats running your house.  I conservatively estimate that I watch 67 hours of reality TV each week.  Who does that?  I’m glued to Bravo while other people go out in the world and do smart stuff and cultural stuff and all that other stuff people do that makes them better than me.

Meanwhile, I’m getting dumber by the day.  I can describe, in detail, every fight a Real Housewife has ever had with another Real Housewife.  But can I reset the clock in my car?  Not so much.

Fortunately all I have to do to make myself feel better is judge someone who’s even worse than me.  Let’s say there’s a woman who also has 4 cats, but doesn’t know how to use a computer.  I win!  I’m the better person!  But it’s tricky.  I later find out that she’s been too busy taking care of her bedridden aunt for the last 20 years to take time for computers.  Crap.  I’ll have to recalculate the points, but she may have just taken the lead.

Does anyone need me to walk their dog?  I could really use the extra points.

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6 Responses to Judgment Call

  1. Kate says:

    Sounds like we are a lot alike. I don’t judge people….much! I only have 3 cats though so don’t judge me!

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      OK so you’re one cat better than me but I might still be in the lead. Don’t make me whip out the cancer card.

  2. mimijk says:

    Far be it for me to judge anything but…you write like a pro, spent years managing the unmanageable, self-reflect about the whole four cat thing (which in my view resolves you of any concerns others may have) and would probably win any Trivial Pursuit game in which the category was ‘Reality TV’. So um..hello? I think you’re still ahead – way ahead..

  3. Lisa says:

    Do i need to tell you, you can walk wiggles anytime. She doesn’t bite much.

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