For Posterity

By request, here is a transcript of our heartwarming “presentation” Saturday night at our 25th Anniversary party. Vow renewal as only we can do it…

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Jill:  This is going to be a little bit like the Oscars, in that I wrote some horrendous jokes and “one-liners” and Dan has no choice but to read them.  So no matter how charming or talented he might be, he will be sinking like the Titanic under the weight of my bad writing.  Give them an example honey.

Dan:  When Jill asked me if I wanted to renew our vows for our 25th anniversary, I said anniversary?  I thought 25 years was an expiration date!  Ba-dum dum

Jill: We have reflected on the vows we took 25 years ago, and realized they were in Hebrew so we have no idea what we promised. Really, it could have been anything. So on this momentous occasion, and with the benefit of 25 years of experience, we have each looked back fondly on the last 25 years, and come up with the ideals we think will get us through another 25 years.

Jill:  My dearest Dan: I can’t believe it’s been 25 years.  We were so young; we had no idea what challenges we would face together.  Could we have imagined that one day I would be bald and boobless and you would need a man-ziere and have a full head of hair?  We’ve been through thick, thin and thicker again, but if you stop introducing me as your first wife I’ll stop asking you if an outfit makes me look fat.

I also want to apologize for the fake-out when I told you that I cook and clean.  I had really good intentions.  And now that we know what’s really important in life, I have just a few simple requests. Do you promise to unblock Nordstrom.com from the firewall, to let me sit in “your” chair, to let me watch Bravo TV 24/7? Do you promise that we will always stay in hotels with turndown service, that you will stop eating expired food, and that you will give me 75% of the Tivo storage?

Dan:  I promise to take you Jill, aches, pains, bad knees, half-deaf, half-blind and refurbished, for another 25 years.  I promise that together we will build and grow our squirrel kingdom. I vow that one day we will gaze into each other’s eyes over a candlelit dinner and not bust out laughing. And I have a few simple requests. Do you promise to never eat life forms higher than a bi-valve?  Will you at least consider the fate of the silkworm before buying a silk blouse? Will you allow me to name our next batch of cats?

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I promise to spend the next 25 years writing better jokes for our 50th anniversary!

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