If there is one thing that can bring us all together this volatile election season, it is quite simply, Oreos. Classic, delicious Oreos. No, they’re not good for us, and no, we probably shouldn’t eat them too often. But I don’t think anyone can deny liking Oreos. Right?
What I firmly believed before today is that although Nabisco has flirted with changes in the past, it never got too out of hand. Just a variation on a theme. Double Stuff, Thins (shouldn’t they be called Half Stuff?), Mint, Red Velvet, holiday editions, whatever. But no matter what, I had faith that Oreos have always had some form of chocolate. It is my right as an American to demand no less than that. It’s the 32nd Amendment folks, look it up.
Somehow, in an affront to my senses not just as an American, but as a human, we have this situation:
I wish I could tell you this is a joke, but I can’t. And it gets worse. As you know I always research a topic thoroughly before bringing you these blog posts, and in the course of my 10 second search for information about Oreos, I learned to my horror that these in fact are not the first aberration. Not anywhere near the first. As recently as not too long ago, there were “golden” Oreo cookies (gasp, vanilla!) with watermelon flavored filling. Fruit punch. Pumpkin freakin’ Spice. Is nothing sacred? Apparently while we were busy worrying about mass shootings and climate change and things, someone sneakily repealed the Chocolate Amendment. And Nabisco is now allowed to run amok.
I really don’t know how many times I have to say this folks, fruit is not dessert. Fruit is at best breakfast. At very best. And I might absentmindedly nibble on fruit as a snack from time to time. But it is certainly never my focus. What’s even worse than fruit? Fruit flavored items. And they don’t even stop there. For example, Fruit Punch is a flavor, not a fruit. You can’t go pick a punch fruit off of a tree. And you sure as hell don’t want to dunk it in coffee, or heaven forbid, cold milk.
How does Nabisco not understand these rules? They are the ones who taught us precisely how to eat Oreos in the first place. Break the cookie apart. Lick off the filling. Dunk the cookie into cold milk. A permitted variation, and one that I follow, is to dip the entire cookie into the milk. Following these rules, one gets not only delicious cookies, but also leftover sorta chocolate milk at the end. The leftover milk is not as good as Cocoa Puffs leftover milk, but certainly right up there with Cocoa Krispies leftover milk.
Now, if you’re more of a Fruity Pebbles leftover milk drinker, not sure why anyone would be but if you are; maybe you like the idea of dunking Watermelon Oreos into milk. And to that I say WTF is wrong with you? But I say it in a super nice way so as not to offend you. *Insert charming smile here*
If you want to see the extent of the damage, check out this list of every flavor of Oreo ever made. I can’t vouch for its accuracy, but I can guarantee it will leave a bad taste in your mouth.
Nabisco, please, just walk away from the fruit. Don’t look back. If you won’t do it for yourself, then do it for me. Do it for our country.