My August Washingtonian arrived the other day and as I was casually flipping through it a little blurb caught my eye; quick tips from a couple who travel extensively for work and pleasure. Here’s the first piece of perky advice from the woman: “Almost any outfit is one blazer and a swipe of bright lip gloss away from looking polished.” Hmmm.
Here’s the deal; I know this woman. She is the woman zipping through the airport fabulously put together. Matching luggage, hair pulled back neatly, nice loafers. Now look right behind her. There’s a woman with her hair sticking up at an odd angle and a piece of toilet paper stuck to her shoe. This woman left her jacket back at security and her blouse is stained with a big glop of salad dressing. Yikes, now her phone is ringing but she can’t answer it because she can’t find it in her purse. And while she’s groping for her phone she drops her carry-on bag and the bottle with her 3 lousy ounces of shampoo goes skittering across the floor. See her? That’s me.
I think I’m missing some important woman gene. I’ve grown old waiting to learn the secrets of pantyhose with no runs, blouses with no stains, hair that stays put. I know nothing of how women make this happen. I just stand back in awe and wonder. I start out looking polished, I just can’t maintain it for very long. I’m the woman who just stepped on a grate and caught her shoe and ripped the heel right off the bottom and has to limp down the street with one heel and one flat trying to catch a cab in the rain. And for the record, maybe I should have spent less time debating whether to pull the heel off the other shoe or hope that the broken one could be repaired and given more thought to the street I was crossing. Maybe then I wouldn’t have gotten splashed from head to toe when a bus went careening around the corner.
I don’t know where I went wrong. Did I miss a class? Is there remedial training? Drag Queens manage to pull it all together and technically they’re not even women. I am pulling out a blazer and some bright lip gloss but until the heel is glued back on to my shoe, I’m just not feeling it.