Who’s That Girl?

My August Washingtonian arrived the other day and as I was casually flipping through it a little blurb caught my eye; quick tips from a couple who travel extensively for work and pleasure.  Here’s the first piece of perky advice from the woman:  “Almost any outfit is one blazer and a swipe of bright lip gloss away from looking polished.” Hmmm.

Here’s the deal; I know this woman.  She is the woman zipping through the airport fabulously put together.  Matching luggage, hair pulled back neatly, nice loafers.  Now look right behind her.  There’s a woman with her hair sticking up at an odd angle and a piece of toilet paper stuck to her shoe.  This woman left her jacket back at security and her blouse is stained with a big glop of salad dressing.  Yikes, now her phone is ringing but she can’t answer it because she can’t find it in her purse.  And while she’s groping for her phone she drops her carry-on bag and the bottle with her 3 lousy ounces of shampoo goes skittering across the floor.  See her?  That’s me.

I think I’m missing some important woman gene.  I’ve grown old waiting to learn the secrets of pantyhose with no runs, blouses with no stains, hair that stays put.  I know nothing of how women make this happen.  I just stand back in awe and wonder.  I start out looking polished, I just can’t maintain it for very long.  I’m the woman who just stepped on a grate and caught her shoe and ripped the heel right off the bottom and has to limp down the street with one heel and one flat trying to catch a cab in the rain.  And for the record, maybe I should have spent less time debating whether to pull the heel off the other shoe or hope that the broken one could be repaired and given more thought to the street I was crossing.  Maybe then I wouldn’t have gotten splashed from head to toe when a bus went careening around the corner.

I don’t know where I went wrong.  Did I miss a class?  Is there remedial training?  Drag Queens manage to pull it all together and technically they’re not even women.  I am pulling out a blazer and some bright lip gloss but until the heel is glued back on to my shoe, I’m just not feeling it.

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10 Responses to Who’s That Girl?

  1. Lisa says:

    I look frumpy in a blazer, what happens then. And i need pink lipstick.d

  2. mimijk says:

    This is so unfair for those of us who know you, have seen you in the workplace and know how you roll – the outfit is perfectly matched, the handbag may be rife with crap but it never belies its interior, the hair is tousled (as opposed to desperately needing a brushing)…mascara? Check. I think you are developing a character for your future novel.

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      And here I didn’t think you noticed… 🙂

      I think I’m developing a character for YOUR future novel!

  3. Vanessa says:

    Loved this! And I love the quote at the beginning. I won’t be able to go through an airport now without looking for these women!

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      I loved the quote to-advice like that works for women who don’t need any help to begin with! I will let you know when I’m traveling so you can keep an eye out for the hot mess that is me. 🙂

  4. Glenda Raley says:

    This one conjured up some pretty great mental images!!! Keep em coming!!! : )

  5. Jill Foer Hirsch says:

    Oh I know-it’s like there are different laws of physics for some women! Apparently you and I are not among the chosen ones…

  6. What I hate is the woman who can do anything to their hair and it looks good. Pony tail, under a baseball cap, bun in the back, short and choppy. None of that works for me. Why is that?

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