Whenever I Wake Up…And I Put On My Make-Up…I Say A Little Prayer*

After my optometrist used his antique equipment to determine what I’d been saying all along, that I can’t see, he posed what I could only assume was a philosophical question.  “Do you want to see near or far?”  I said “Near?” and he said “Yes grasshopper, you are wise.”  Actually, he just nodded his head and made a note in my permanent record.

Anxious, I asked him if “near” was the right answer.  When he didn’t respond I assumed it was one of those trick questions that have no “right” answer; a puzzle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a turducken.  But as it turned out I wasn’t making a philosophical, hypothetical, rhetorical decision; he was literally giving me the option of seeing near or far.

I told the optometrist that I loved the idea of being able to see both far and near…and wide, I guess.  He said I couldn’t have it all anymore; it’s either near or far.  I reminded him that I am an American with all rights due a full citizen, including having it all.  He was unimpressed.  I would have to wear glasses for either driving or reading.  After much deliberation about street signs and oncoming traffic I realized seeing far was probably best for driving, and I would just deal with reading glasses as necessary.

On the drive home I was delighted with my far-sight.  It turns out that traffic lights have three separate colors, and there are lines painted on the road to separate the lanes!  When I got home I grabbed my laptop, or at least what I hoped was my laptop because it was small and warm but neither furry nor purring; grabbed my reading glasses, and was able to see reasonably well.  Victory!

The next morning I put in my contact lenses and started putting on make-up.  Ooops!  Almost forgot I need my reading glasses for anything near.  OK, now that I’ve got my reading glasses on I can see the tube of mascara and…you know where I’m headed, right?  I’d have to take my glasses off to apply the mascara, and once I took off my glasses I couldn’t see my eyelashes, the mascara or my hand.  Hmm.

I just kind of swiped the mascara near my eyelashes in the hopes the two would meet.  I estimate that 42% of my lashes came into contact with the mascara.  I couldn’t really see the results but I’m pretty sure it didn’t look so hot.  No problem, because I had a new plan for day two.  Put on make-up before I put my contact lenses in, when I can still see up close.  Can’t fool me twice!  All set.

My mascara and eye shadow looked terrific until I put my contacts in and the dripping lens solution ran down my eyes and rendered me a raccoon.  Waterproof mascara is only so waterproof.

So there you have it.  With my new lenses I can drive anywhere…but I can’t leave the house looking like this.

*Credit to Burt Bacharach and Hal David for the lyrics

This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Whenever I Wake Up…And I Put On My Make-Up…I Say A Little Prayer*

  1. Lisa says:

    This one is in your top ten. Blind or not.

  2. Mom says:

    I don’t care what you have to do…you know how I feel about make-up…find away to put it on! There are magnifying mirrors (I use one) and I’ve also seen magnifying glasses that allow you to flip up one lens at a time. All kidding aside you’re gorgeous with or without make-up, Love again, Mom

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      I’m glad everyone is so gung ho on these damn magnifying mirrors. I really don’t want to see what all is going on with my wrinkled wrinkles. There is no part of me I need to see that close up.

  3. mimijk says:

    Lucky for you – you can go without make-up …remember I know you and see you, ergo I know the real truth. That said, the suggestion above for the magnifying mirror is spot on (though I must admit, horrifying to look into at the same time – so start slow – a quick glance then look away, gradually increase your time).

  4. Bonnye J Geller says:

    Daaaaaaa!!!! that is what a makeup mirror is for. Make sure when you go to a store that you check the different magnification. It makes a big difference in how much and how big you want to see that sweet face!

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      I’ve used those mirrors in hotels and they scare me. There are parts of my face I just don’t want to see that close up! Thanks for the sweet face comment-you haven’t seen it magnified! XOXO

  5. Kate says:

    I hear your pain. When I had cataract surgery I was given that choice for the lens they insert. (Now they have lenses that flip back and forth and you can indeed have it all.) I also opted for far. As a result I am much more forgiving of all those old ladies I used to see with the foundation mark on their cheek, lipstick on their chin and eyebrows drawn God knows where. Mostly because I am one of them now. You can get a magnifying mirror. It sorta helps. Maybe. The really good news is that if you screw up your makeup you can’t see it.

I Love To Hear From You!