My best friend/tormentor Andre, commenting on my mini-vacation, noted that I would never go to the beach. This is because, against my wishes, the beach persists in being outdoors.
I feel about the Great Outdoors as I feel about Bears…both look very inviting from afar. I am a devoted fan of the Great Indoors, particularly in the heat. I define heat as somewhere above 65 degrees. What Andre forgot is that I will venture out in the heat only if I am near a body of water in which I can cool off. So beach and pool are OK. Other than that I have a deal with Mother Nature; you stay out there, I’ll stay in here.
I come from a proud line of Eastern European Jews. We’re short, we’re stocky, we’re pale and we’re seriously out of shape. We’re built to withstand the extremes of cold weather, not hot. We excel in eating calorie-laden food and watching TV. If I’ve offended any Eastern European Jews, I want you to go to the mirror and seriously assess your state of physical fitness. Also, check your mantle for trophies and awards based on your physical prowess. Satisfied?
So I spend summers enjoying the climate controlled environments of home and office. I come back out of my cave for fall and winter, once everything that was green and full of life is dead and gone. I think that’s a fair deal.