I know you would never have guessed this, but when I grow up I want to be Judge Judy. First, it is well established that I can judge people; quickly and sometimes even correctly. Second, she says everything I would want to say to the idiots who stand before her. Third, are you concerned that I’m watching more TV than ever? Well, 30 minutes of Judge Judy helps loosen the old writer’s block, I can tell you that.
I wrote recently about the abnormally low IQs of retail customers, but they’re nothing compared to these litigants. The cases typically center on the following themes:
The Jilted Lover:
Boy meets girl. Girl infatuated with boy. Boy goes to jail and girl puts bail on her credit card to get him out, because who could live without this catch? Boy cheats on girl and winds up being someone else’s Baby Daddy. Girl finds out and blames other girl. Sues Baby Mama for stealing her man. Judge Judy speaks slowly and carefully about the concept of birth control; dismisses the case and says they all deserve each other.
Neighbor From Hell
Neighbor is a freak and his dog keeps coming into the other neighbor’s yard. Said dog, perhaps a Chihuahua, is portrayed as a killer animal. The neighbor who owns the dog says that the other neighbor’s child is worse than his dog and he’s countersuing for damages from the chalk drawing on his driveway. Judge Judy reviews picture of dog and child and tells Plaintiff and Defendant they are both idiots.
Roommate From Hell
A variation on the neighbor theme, but usually juicier. Each roommate accuses the other of trashing the place, breaking a lease, not paying their share of rent or in some other way being total scum. When things get heated, you can count on the person who seems to be losing to blurt out that the other person was doing drugs in the residence. The other person immediately denies the statement and goes on the defensive, accusing the other roommate’s boyfriend of threatening her life and then flirting with her. Fortunately this is Judge Judy, not Jerry Springer, so she yells at them and dismisses the whole case.
All In The Family
I guess it’s not really a family until someone sues someone for something stupid. Mom loaned son $450 to buy a car, and he’s only paid back $200. She now sues him for $4,982.59. That’s the balance, with interest, as well as a little something for her emotional distress. Judge Judy yells at mother for suing her son and yells at son for not paying mother. Final judgment, $250 owed from son to mother. Mother and son talk smack about each other in the post-trial interview.
Driving Me Crazy
People love love love a suit involving a car accident. The car is never insured; the alleged driver never has a license; the real driver has a suspended license, and nothing was anyone’s fault. No your honor, no alcohol involved. Nervous laugh. Judge Judy explains that everyone is responsible for his or her actions. Litigants clearly confused. Judge Judy gets disgusted and throws them out; she does not suffer fools, drunk or otherwise.
Anyway, I’m desperate to get on Judge Judy but I don’t really have anyone to sue. Who’s up for a fake lawsuit involving and all-expenses paid trip to NYC?