Slim Pickins’

It’s hard to believe that people continue to make money by creating fad diets.  Even the most intelligent women allow themselves to be wooed by quick-fix weight loss.  And fad diets seem to appeal to women whether they actually need to lose weight or not.

The hot new thing now appears to be the Dukan diet, which seems to me is just a variation on the protein diet theme.  It’s not that I don’t believe people lose weight on these diets, because I’m sure many of them do, but I happen to think that there are other diets that would work just as well.  I’ve come up with a few ideas myself.

The M&M Diet:  For the first two weeks, drink lots of water and eat nothing but plain M&Ms.  You can have as many as you want, but you cannot eat any other food.  For the next two weeks, you move on to Peanut M&Ms, and again eat all you want but don’t sneak in anything else.  By week four you should be feeling pretty sluggish and depressed, but you will probably have lost 10 pounds because who in the hell can eat nothing but M&Ms for weeks on end?  Your dark depression may turn out to be an excellent weight loss tool.  At least it’s better than the cabbage soup diet, which works on the same principle.

The Flu Diet:  In the first week, find a way to contract the flu.  Eat anything you want; throw up.  With any luck, you will still be weak and feverish all through the second week, which is when you eat nothing but Saltine crackers and clear soup.  Week three, nothing but green Jello.  Week four, get out of bed and try on some clothes.  You will perk up considerably when you find they are all too big.  Week five, buy a bunch of clothes in your “new size” Week 8 throw new clothes in the back of your closet because they’re too small and wear your fat jeans to Dairy Queen for a blizzard.  For a little exercise, kick the adorable little imp at DQ who says “look at that lady Daddy, she’s FAT”  Reward yourself with a second blizzard.

The Vegamite Diet:  Quite possibly the most vile thing you’ve never tasted, this is a gift from our mates down under.  Buy several jars of Vegamite and eat nothing but Vegamite sandwiches on whole wheat bread for the first two weeks.  Week three, throw out all leftover Vegamite, put on your fat jeans and go to Dairy Queen for a blizzard.

The Dairy Queen Diet:  Put on fat jeans.  Go to Dairy Queen for a blizzard.

Kids, this is for entertainment only.  Please don’t try these diets at home.

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9 Responses to Slim Pickins’

  1. mimijk says:

    Interesting ideas all – and way better than Jenny Craig. 🙂

  2. Poor Dan! says:

    I was a chubby kid for a few years, until the Boy Scout hiking camp diet. Hike around a lake all day, eat all the dehydrated food you want, and you will shed a few pounds. I don’t understand why the food was all marked “not for human consumption.” Why the heck would anyone dehydrate beef stroganoff, if not for human consumption? I wouldn’t give it to a dog, but I emerged stronger for the ordeal. So if you lose weight boiling crick water to rehydrate vittles, give credit to me and some long forgotten thrifty provisioner for Camp Goshen. Just don’t blame us when you gain the weight back.

  3. Heather says:

    I think that Andrè has tried the MnM diet.

    • jfoerhirsch says:

      Yes, we were on it together. He should get half-credit for the DQ diet too

      • André Bräcker says:

        I also did a slight variation of the M&M diet, long before it became a fad.
        1lb of peanut butter M&M chased by an extra large flavored cappuccino from your favorite gas station. During warmer temperatures, you can substitute choose diet coke instead (of the cappuccino, of course. Not the M&Ms!)

  4. Betsey says:

    I have had success in the past with the bronchitis diet.
    Justin was cracking up over this musing!

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