Don’t ask me why, but I found myself lured in to the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last night. The whole thing is obscene, but I won’t turn this post into a rant about breeding. Don’t worry, I will definitely get around to that, just not tonight. Suffice it to say that if you’re looking for a pet anywhere other than a shelter or rescue organization, you need to be euthanized. By Betty White.
Oh my, was that a little harsh? I meant it in the gentlest of ways of course. I would hate for my blog to ever offend anyone.
Anyway, despite my best intentions, I found the dog show hilarious. I don’t think it’s meant to be funny, but it’s all so formal and serious and these folks believe there is a correct way for a dog to walk, run and stand. I think the correct way for dogs to walk is with their nose in the air and their tails wagging excitedly and hey, maybe they’re all over the place and trying to get to a squirrel or chase a snowflake, but they are dogs for crying out loud.
The play-by-play announcers were really something. “Well Biff, here we have the noblest of all dogs…according to some…the Royal English-German Short-Eared Big-Tailed Working Dog. These dogs are happiest either herding sheep or sniffing for bombs.”
“Thanks Forrest, that is all true. These dogs were bred by a shepherd who was thinking about going to work for the TSA. It’s fascinating stuff, really.”
And that was just the beginning. Some dogs were described as “aloof” while others were described as “home and hearth” dogs. There were breeds who loved children, breeds who hated children; breeds who liked to live in a ranch house in the suburbs, city breeds who prefer to be in a high-end condo…you name it.
As I watched the handlers run a lap with the dogs, I decided to kill the sound and think about it as a Special Bred Human show. “Well Biff, here we have an American Handler who enjoys Danielle Steel books, chardonnay and long walks on the beach.”
“So true Forrest. The American Handler also gets along well with dogs, but perhaps a little too well with children. It is frequently paired with a neurotic mother and a touch of a drinking problem.”
“Right you are Biff. And the Dog who is showing this Human today is a world renowned breeder of urban professional humans.”
We’ve all seen Planet of the Apes, and we’ve all gasped when Charlton Heston and the little lady ride off into the sunset and find (spoiler alert!) the Statue of Liberty. I’ve seen the movie 34 times and still gasp at the end. I have a point though…
Oh yeah! My point is, maybe we all wake up one day with collars and leashes, lapping up crusty food from the floor while our Dogs dine in a more civilized fashion. I just want to be prepared to make a case for myself.