Nice Sheets. Why Are You Wearing Them?

I don’t know when it happened.  Had it always been like this and I just blocked it out?  Did it happen after she went to prison?  Did someone put trick mirrors in her house?  Martha Stewart has assaulted fashion so violently that I fear the Fashion Police have a warrant out for her arrest.  She may be facing another prison sentence.

I was watching my favorite Bravo host, Andy Cohen, and Martha was his guest for the evening.  It may have been a great show, but I can’t tell you because I was gagging and in shock over Martha’s “outfit.”  There is no English word to describe it; in Yiddish the closest I can get is schmata.

Where do I start?  The color can only be described as dishwater.  The fit?  For all I know a family of 5 is living under that dress-tent.  And then I noticed the shoulders.  Martha seems to have taken her cue from Carol Burnett in her famous Gone With The Wind spoof where she rips down the drapes, rod and all, and drops them over her shoulders.  Maybe she is actually wearing something from her line of bed linens?  This is the schmata of all schmatas.

I wondered-was Martha’s eyesight failing or was this just a serious misstep in the midst of normally acceptable fashion?  Neither.  Based on my extensive research of Bing images, Martha is permanently fashion impaired.  I warn you these images may be disturbing.

I don’t claim to be a fashion maven, but I can assure you that you won’t find gold lamé capris in my closet. So Martha can build a mini-van out of construction paper and hot glue, can sculpt her dogs into topiary, can harvest her own wheat to make her own flour to bake a delightful holiday cake and then milk a cow to make the buttercream frosting, but…she can’t schlep over to Macy’s and buy a decent ensemble?  All those jokes about how she looked in an orange prison uniform—go figure they were her nicest clothes!

Sadly, the nightmare doesn’t end in her closet.  She insists on humiliating her dogs too.

Please call PETA

Please call PETA

She may be Martha Stewart, but she’s far from perfect.  It’s time for a fashion intervention.

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10 Responses to Nice Sheets. Why Are You Wearing Them?

  1. Pam Waits says:

    Maybe she should take some fashion advice from her dog. After all, it’s dressed better than Martha.

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      Excellent point. And might I also suggest that regardless of who becomes POTUS in November, she or he outlaw sparkling gold capris of any kind?

  2. Bonnye J Geller says:

    Just saw her a couple of weeks ago at a CT garden show and Ira went over to her and asked if she found a guy yet. Her response was “Nope”. Do you wonder why? My thoughts were the same when I saw her on Watch What Happens. Love that show!!! FYI, shmata is too good a word for that outfit. It was way beyond that!!!!!!

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      She is a train wreck. But Cher’s outfit the next night made up for Martha’s super-shmata. Cher looked hot!

  3. Kate says:

    I like Martha. She’s a scraper and believe me, if she were a man, she wouldn’t have gone to prison. She does a lot of good things anonymously. Now having said that, I feel that an intervention is in order. Are you in?

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      I agree completely about the prison thing-they just wanted to humiliate her and I think they failed. I’m in on the intervention but only if the cameras are rolling for our new reality show Jill and Kate Come to Rate. We would just roam around judging stuff.

  4. mimijk says:

    So funny (except for the dog costume – that just makes me feel bad for the dog) – I have thought the same thing. I must cop to strong feelings of disaffection for dear Martha – I believe that there are eons-old glaciers near the North Pole that emit more warmth than this severely sartorially-challenged woman. Be that as it may – a shmata is a shmata..

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      I have a warm spot in my heart for Martha-I don’t know why. But I sure as hell wouldn’t be caught dead with her in public with that wardrobe.

  5. Jill Foer Hirsch says:

    I’ve always loved your mom. Martha- I await your call!

  6. Betsey says:

    My mother, who graduated from FIT and truly IS a fashion maven, always comments on how beautifully tailored you are. Maybe you can give Martha some pointers and have a girl’s night at the Talbot’s outlet.

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