Next Time I’m Checking In To The Ritz-Carlton

Today marks four years since my bilateral mastectomy. On December 21, 2009 there was two feet of snow on the ground and we barely made it to the hospital. Today’s temperatures reached nearly 70⁰.

Before my mastectomy I had never been a patient in a hospital. I was proud of that record and wish I could have maintained it. Oh well, I figured, it must be just like a nice hotel, right? Maybe even better, because I was sick and they should have been extra nice to me.

Don't be fooled! This does not stand for HOTEL!

Don’t be fooled! This does not stand for HOTEL!

Foiled again. Here are the reasons I would have much preferred to have my surgery at The W than in a hospital:

  • No king size beds. Not even a queen or a double. What adult sleeps in a twin size bed?
  • The sheets were definitely not 600 thread count, and the down duvet cover was nowhere to be found. No pillow menu either.
  • They make you wear a uniform, a cotton gown that is of poor quality and desperately needs a zipper in the back. And no shoes. Just ugly socks with treads on the bottom. What if I had run into someone I knew? OMG.
  • The rooms are brightly lit and loud and they do not believe in Do Not Disturb signs; it’s hard for a girl to get any rest.
  • Room service food was not up to snuff, and I couldn’t find the concierge to make alternate meal arrangements.
  • Turndown service? Only in your dreams. When I asked about a nice Godiva truffle to sweeten my dreams, they assumed I was feverish and delusional and took my temperature again.
  • No spa or even a salon, so forget the massage and manicure you could have sworn you scheduled.
  • No coffee pot in the room, no mini bar, no wireless service.
  • I woke up missing a couple of body parts, and no one was willing to file a police report.

All in all, it’s a miracle I made it through the ordeal. I wrote a whole book about it you know. Here’s to many more years of nice hotels, and no more hospital stays!

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14 Responses to Next Time I’m Checking In To The Ritz-Carlton

  1. The Regular Guy NYC says:

    First of all congrats on making a great recovery! That is not an easy thing to go through.

    Secondly, if hospitals were like the Ritz no one would ever want to leave!

  2. Pam Waits says:

    You’ve performed another public service (the first was your book). Hospitals are sure to read this and make the necessary changes for future patrons. Congrats on reaching this significant milestone. My world is a better place because of you and your humor.

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      Wow! I am flattered…and honored to accept this enormous boost to my already overinflated ego!! Right back at ya kiddo!

  3. Myrna Rubenstein says:

    This is an anniversary worth celebrating! Cheers to an amazing woman. Imbibe spirits, consume chocolates, etc.

  4. mimijk says:

    Keep thriving honey – and just go stay at the Ritz to celebrate your awesomeness!

  5. bethteliho says:

    Very funny post! They really should make hospitals more swanky. I thought for sure you were going to say something about having free porn channel, LOL.
    I love your sense of humor. You’re an amazing and very strong woman. I admire you!

  6. katecrimmins says:

    Poor baby! My breast surgery (I had to have two — clean margins you know) were both scheduled in December flanking the holidays. People had the nerve to show up for dinner on New Year’s Day just 3 days after my second. Fortunately for them, they brought the food. Oh yeah, they lost me in the hospital. The beloved husband was on his way to the morgue just to be sure when they figured out where they put me. Gotta love hospitals! Yay for survivors! (and I just love your book. Everyone should read it!)

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      I guess it’s lucky no one visited so soon after my surgery–because we were hit with another huge snowstorm. I would have been very entertaining though considering the amount of Percocet I was taking… So glad we both survived…and thrive! Thanks for the kind words about my book too!

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