I met my husband almost 30 years ago, well before the advent of online dating. We dated offline, although we didn’t know what that meant at the time. But nowadays it seems there are so many options for finding the perfect mate. Services like eharmony and match.com claim to scientifically match you with the perfect partner. Jewish singles turn to Jdate, Christians looking for love check out Christian Mingle, and people of, well, a certain age check out Our Time. Geez, there’s even a site called Farmers Only, in case you want to date a farmer.
I can only assume that there are also an array of online dating sites for same sex couples. But I think I know where there’s a gap in the market. Namely, where does a heterosexual woman go to find the perfect Gay Husband? You know, not the real husband, but the man who totally understands her and will always be by her side?
As many of you know, I had a perfectly serviceable gay husband who just took off one day and moved back to Munich. That’s all the way over in Germany you know. I’m still completely devoted to him of course, but a girl can get lonely with just one straight husband and her gay husband thousands of miles away. I mean sure, I’ve tried to find someone new. I have lots of gay friends who I date casually. But no one to really commit to me for the long haul. I need an online service that can match me up with a more geographically desirable gay husband.
I’ve taken the liberty of filling out the questionnaire…
Desired physical traits: I definitely want someone tall. Or short. Blonde hair or at least brown, but if not then black or gray hair. I would take red hair in a pinch but it would be weird since I’m a redhead. He must have blue eyes. Or brown or green or that really pretty color of hazel. However, under no circumstances should he have prettier eyes than me. Not too physically fit; otherwise he’ll spend way too much time at the gym and not enough time attending to my needs.
Desired personality traits: An honest, open and caring individual who will love me for me, as long as I have nice clothes and shoes, matching lipstick, and don’t cramp his style when he’s cruising men at a bar. Or the mall or the movies or the restaurant or a parking lot or anywhere there are men. A sensitive man who cries at tampon commercials. Not because of the storyline but because he’s frightened that they might show girl parts. A man who is comfortable enough in his own skin to scream like a little girl at scary movies. A man who is willing to tell me when a pair of jeans make my butt look too big, but does it in a really gentle manner. Routinely calls me sweetie.
Common interests: Travel (we can alternate gay and straight destinations), a devoted Bravo TV fan who can name every Real Housewife since the beginning of time. Equally comfortable spending a quiet weekend at home immersed in a Will & Grace marathon or out and about enjoying the Miss Adams Morgan Pageant. Doesn’t have to love pro football, but must be able to muster some level of enthusiasm for my sake. Enjoys spending hours hot ironing my hair and accessorizing me before parties and other events. Funny stories about dating women before he came out would be a big plus, but not mandatory.
Other: A secure gay man who will not be offended by my indulgent stereotyping for the sake of humor.