Last Thursday night was our firm’s holiday party, and don’t be frightened, but I was responsible for the thing. Normally my assistant plans the whole thing and I just sign whatever she puts in front of me, but she abandoned me in mid-November. I’m happy that she’s moving up in the world and all that, but it was still pretty selfish to leave me holding the bag. I’m not saying I’m going to hold it against her, I’m just saying forgive but never forget.
I decided to take my hairstylist up on her offer to blow dry and iron my hair so I could wear it straight. My primary goal was to be able to flip my hair over my shoulder with my index finger, and equally important, to turn my head and toss my hair back impatiently. Here I am doing both at the same time…
I learned both these moves from the Queen of Straight Hair, Marcia Brady. Jan didn’t have those moves. Cindy had those dreadful pigtails to deal with, and Carol was rocking that sexy short shag that Mike totally dug.
I don’t want to pin the whole thing on Marcia Brady, but I have a lot of hang-ups about my hair. I know, I know, people with straight hair want curly hair and vice versa. But no one wants frizzy hair. My hair is 42.4% frizz, 40.8% curl, 16.4% product and .4% cat fur. And no, I did not mean to do that, it just happened. There are a lot of hapless hair victims out there; it’s just too stigmatized for anyone to talk about.
I can’t help but imagine what my life would be like with straight hair. I would be thin of course, and drive a nicer car. Obviously I would live in Manhattan or London or Paris. I would have a more fabulous job in a glamorous industry, like advertising. Clairol would likely insist that I personally star in their commercials, and I would nonchalantly concede. If my hair was straight enough and shiny enough, the UN would maybe call me in for emergency talks about the correlation between frizzy/curly hair and world peace.
Anyway, my hair was freshly straightened and styled on Thursday. I took an extremely careful shower Friday morning and wore it straight again. Ditto for Saturday when we went to the Foer Family Hanukkah and people loved me more because of my hair. They really really loved me. And yes, I managed to squeeze out one more day today. Tomorrow, I will have no choice but to wash it and go back to my frizzy/curly lifestyle. It’s a little depressing.
In my mind all things are possible with the power of a hair toss. Maybe I’ll start having it straightened more often, so Marcia Marcia Marcia, look out; there’s a new Hair Sheriff in town.