You know that I’m always keepin’ it real here people, so no matter how hard, the truth must be told. We stayed at a Best Western “Hotel” last weekend. It worked well with our budget but was an affront to my sensibilities. In my mind Best Western is only a slight step up from camping. So OK, it wasn’t horrible. The concierge was very accommodating, and the piano bar was the perfect spot for a nightcap. The lush robes, elegant turndown service, spacious marble bathroom, perfection. Everything just the way we like it…when we used to stay at nice hotels.
As I gazed around the room in the hopes of finding some redeeming quality, I couldn’t help but wonder; if this was the BEST Western, were there a Good Western and a Better Western? What would one expect from those establishments? That’s when it hit me; finally, a business idea that would revolutionize the hospitality industry.
Today’s consumers are looking for something a little different when it comes to an all-inclusive vacation. The time has come for a resort that offers an alternative version of paradise. I am pleased to introduce CLUB MEDiocre.
Picture a secluded beach, with concrete instead of sand, a nice clean filtered ocean, and sailcloth providing shade and protection over the entire works. I think that, unfortunately, I have to give my friend Betsey credit for 51.3% of this concrete beach idea. But Betsey wanted to add a Kohl’s, and shopping is where I draw the line between her dream and my nightmare. No retail establishments unless they sell food. And I mean real food, no salads, fat-free frozen yogurt or organic anything.
As a resort we would of course serve girly little umbrella drinks. The Skinny Girl Margarita has been done to death. The rest of us need a product that fits our lifestyle! I’d like to introduce the world to Fat Chick Concoctions. Not only tasty adult beverages, but with added trans-fats and high fructose corn syrup (no matter what you’ve heard about it) they are sure to keep you at your fighting weight.
Accommodations will be very special too; prepare to settle in at the (concrete)beach-front Worst Western Hotel. Inside the sparse lobby, the clerk at the front desk will be someone uniquely un-helpful, with extremely poor hygiene. Guests will help themselves to luggage carts featuring at least 1 bad wheel, making them impossible to steer. Once in their rooms, guests will relax on air mattresses…just as soon as they find linens. The modular plastic showers will feature a mélange of soap chips and plenty of fresh, cold water. Shampoo? I think not.
Naturally we’ll round out the resort with world-class entertainment such as generic sloppy drunks and teenage girls who just broke up with their boyfriends and need to talk it out with someone.
And last but not least, yours truly as activities director. I can’t wait to share all my favorite pastimes, including sleeping, eating, watching TV and avoiding all physical activity.
Be sure to sign up now for a getaway guaranteed to be, umm, unique!