A day late, as is typical me, but heartfelt nonetheless. In honor of Mother’s Day, and for the best mom I ever had, I present just some of The Rules of Life According to My Mom:
- Our family is not weird, no one in our family is weird. We are all just very, very special
- Mom’s one and only daughter, Jill, is simply the best and funniest writer on the face of the earth. Do not question this unless you are suicidal
- Mom’s two sons are equally talented and brilliant in their own fields
- Mom loves all three of her children equally, but the oldest never gave her a gray hair or a minute’s worry, produced three smart and beautiful grandchildren, and hardly ever cracks wise on her. Just sayin’
- The three grandchildren are Simply The Best. At everything, all the time. They are a lot more fun and lovable than even her own children. Any questions?
- In general, Mom loves her childrens’ spouses just a tiny bit more than her children
On being a Jewish mother:
- Repeat after me: You cannot possibly be full. Surely you want to try anything you didn’t already eat. Don’t you like the food?
- Did I hear you sneeze? Are you sick? Are you telling me the truth?
- Cleanliness is not next to Godliness; it actually comes first
- I’m cold. You should put on a sweater (See also: I’m hungry. You should eat)
- Crabs are Kosher. Special dispensation.
- GrandDogs, and especially GrandCats, are best loved from afar
- Her GrandPets are the cutest, best, smartest animals ever. Ever.
On Retail Therapy:
- Paying retail is the 8th deadly sin
- Shopping is an avocation, a vocation, a hobby, and good clean fun
On personal beautification:
- Leaving the house without lipstick is a federal offense, and brings shame upon one’s family. Anyone doing so will be sentenced to five years of hard labor at a make-up counter
- The best time to polish one’s nails is moments before leaving the house; it is a myth that you actually need to grip a steering wheel. Palms firmly placed at 10 and 2 is both a safe alternative and the best way to avoid messing up one’s nails
- All women should wear make-up. To quote from my mom’s impressive repertoire of truisms: “If Elizabeth Taylor needs make-up so do we”
Personal Philosophy: You can never have too much caffeine-free Diet Coke in your car trunk. Come the apocalypse, I will not go thirsty.
Happy (Belated!) Mother’s Day Mom!