Everything I Need To Know I Learned From My Mom

A day late, as is typical me, but heartfelt nonetheless. In honor of Mother’s Day, and for the best mom I ever had, I present just some of The Rules of Life According to My Mom:

On family:

  • Our family is not weird, no one in our family is weird. We are all just very, very special
  • Mom’s one and only daughter, Jill, is simply the best and funniest writer on the face of the earth. Do not question this unless you are suicidal
  • Mom’s two sons are equally talented and brilliant in their own fields
  • Mom loves all three of her children equally, but the oldest never gave her a gray hair or a minute’s worry, produced three smart and beautiful grandchildren, and hardly ever cracks wise on her. Just sayin’
  • The three grandchildren are Simply The Best. At everything, all the time. They are a lot more fun and lovable than even her own children. Any questions?
  • In general, Mom loves her childrens’ spouses just a tiny bit more than her children

On being a Jewish mother:

  • Repeat after me: You cannot possibly be full. Surely you want to try anything you didn’t already eat. Don’t you like the food?
  • Did I hear you sneeze? Are you sick? Are you telling me the truth?
  • Cleanliness is not next to Godliness; it actually comes first
  • I’m cold. You should put on a sweater (See also: I’m hungry. You should eat)
  • Crabs are Kosher. Special dispensation.

On GrandPets:

  • GrandDogs, and especially GrandCats, are best loved from afar
  • Her GrandPets are the cutest, best, smartest animals ever. Ever.

On Retail Therapy:

  • Paying retail is the 8th deadly sin
  • Shopping is an avocation, a vocation, a hobby, and good clean fun

On personal beautification:

  • Leaving the house without lipstick is a federal offense, and brings shame upon one’s family. Anyone doing so will be sentenced to five years of hard labor at a make-up counter
  • The best time to polish one’s nails is moments before leaving the house; it is a myth that you actually need to grip a steering wheel. Palms firmly placed at 10 and 2 is both a safe alternative and the best way to avoid messing up one’s nails
  • All women should wear make-up. To quote from my mom’s impressive repertoire of truisms: “If Elizabeth Taylor needs make-up so do we”

Personal Philosophy: You can never have too much caffeine-free Diet Coke in your car trunk. Come the apocalypse, I will not go thirsty.

Happy (Belated!) Mother’s Day Mom!

Me, Mom and Dan. I can't find one of just she and I but my new quest is to snap one!

Me, Mom and Dan last summer. I can’t find one of just she and I but my new quest is to snap one!

 

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14 Responses to Everything I Need To Know I Learned From My Mom

  1. Mom says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this! You may be even more perfect than I thought. Love you always, Mom

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      Does that mean I’m your favorite now? Please tell CJ I’m your favorite!

      Thanks for being my mom AND my biggest cheerleader!!

  2. Lisa says:

    Love this!

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      And you know every word is true! You also know that mom loves you more than me. I’m not bitter though. Just pondering. Never bitter.

  3. Pam Waits says:

    Great tribute to your mom and great picture – I loved both. I know why you couldn’t find a picture without Dan. As you said, your mom loves the in-laws just a tad more.

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      Good point Pam, she especially loves Dan more than me because he is talented and useful and I am, well, you know, me. The one she has to love.

  4. katecrimmins says:

    Your mother is related to my mother especially about the food part. Of course if I sneezed she would automatically say, “You’re going to school so don’t be sneezing around here!” Your mother isn’t a redhead! How did that happen?

    • Jill Foer Hirsch says:

      My mom has blue eyes and straight blonde hair and my dad had brown hair. No one knows where the curly red came from, but my mom says it was rust in the pipes. 🙂

      One of my brothers is blonde/blue eyed like my mom, and the other used to have red hair but it’s brown now. His three kids are exactly the same; my niece is a curly redhead, one of my nephews has brown hair, and the other nephew has blonde hair and blue eyes. Go figure.

  5. mimijk says:

    You had to get all that perfection from somewhere honey… 😉

  6. I think in a way many moms are the same. Jewish, Italian, etc.

    Also, we all have “very special” people in our families. We just hide them well!

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