I am, without a doubt, the clumsiest person in the world. Many of you have witnessed some of my more magical moments; there have been so many it’s hard to keep track. But there are several that are particularly memorable. Here’s one of them:
What starts out as such a fun and harmless adventure-at the waterpark with my family, getting ready to float down the lazy river. So my niece and nephews, brother, sister-in-law, husband just sit right down on an inner tube like it’s nothing at all. For me of course, getting in the inner tube is a major project fraught with problems. So I start right away by slipping on the steps; to be honest I’m not sure I’ve ever gotten into a pool and not slipped on the steps. Then I pull over an inner tube and turn around to sit in it. Of course the inner tube slipped out of my hand and floated away just as I turned around to sit on it, but it was too late and I sat anyway and sort of fell. I know some of you don’t believe you can actually fall in a pool with 2’ of water, but I persevere and make these things happen. Then I made someone in my family hold the damn thing while I tried to sort of lower myself into it from the side of the pool. That did not end well.
My next bright idea was to go under the water and try and come up into the tube, which as you can already imagine, did not work. I discovered something so interesting–if my girth is wider than the hole in the tube, and it is, I end up with an inner tube necklace sort of situation. By then I had become quite a spectacle and was drawing a crowd, so of course I took a moment to wave and blow kisses to my fans. It took a village, but eventually I actually landed in a sitting, upright position in the inner tube. Ready to go!
I lean back, relieved to have survived the whole thing. Ahhh, close my eyes, relax. I had floated maybe 3 feet away at that point, tops. And to this day I don’t know what happened, but I suddenly, well, capsized. It’s not like my butt wasn’t wedged into the tube with little hope of breaking free, but I literally turned upside down with my head under water and my hind parts sticking straight up. If I knew the laws of physics I would say this probably defied them.
And as if that wasn’t weird enough, it seems to have all happened in super slow motion, and I just sat there saying wow, this is odd, I seem to be tipping. Gee, I’m the wrong side up. I finally surfaced to find most of my loved ones pointing and laughing. I was so proud and expect nothing less. But my brother, who does understand the laws of physics, was literally just stunned. He kept saying “how in the hell did you do that?” As if I had willed myself into that scenario. The thing is, I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe, and every time he said that I went into hysterics again. It was one of those total release, laugh until your face hurts and then giggle all day type deals. To this day, and even as I write about it, I literally laugh out loud. And every once in a while my brother just looks at me and says, apropos to nothing, “how in the hell did you do that?”
I have two older brothers, both of whom enjoy making fun of me, and hey, why wouldn’t they? So I would say the only thing missing that day was my other brother, who would have enjoyed it so much. He has been watching me do stupid stuff my whole life, and it’s sad he missed something this spectacular. If I knew how in the hell I did that, I would do a replay, just for him.